✨ STORYTIME ✨

Because this bit of Family Lore truly deserves to be preserved for posterity.

One time my maternal grandfather nearly burnt down a church. This was an impressive feat, considering the church was, if I had to guess, a quarter mile away? However, my granddad is un fucking hinged and loves to burn trash, regardless of the weather conditions. One summer day, he was doing his usual routine after my grandmother kicked him out of the house for the day because he was “bored” and “needed a project”, in her words, and his idea of a “project” was, of course, letting the intrusive thoughts win and burning trash during a severe drought and resulting burn ban. No burn ban has ever stopped this old pyro. In fact, I think the burn bans make him want to burn MORE shit because hehe, fire, or something.

He conveniently “forgot” that there were aerosol cans in the burn barrels. Naturally, they exploded. Two scorched properties and a raging fucking inferno that almost reached the church on the third property down later, the fire department was called. They were left with no choice but to issue this mother fucker a ticket. Yes, you read that right. The fire department had to issue him a ticket. When the fireman in question flipped through his ticket book, he said to my grandfather, “…the last ticket we had to issue was to you.”

Some people just want to see the world burn. Or at least see several burn barrels full of trash and aerosol cans blow sky fucking high.

Oops.

-Allēna