Eight’s mixed media tomfuckery goes hard. I have no idea how else to explain this nonsense, but I feel it must be immortalized here 🤣
-Allēna
Tag: didsystem
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As the lab results roll in, I’m hard at work on medical theories because that’s what we do..
It’s plausible that due to Hera‘s incredible (heavy sarcasm) DIY MKULTRA scheme she put us through in our late teens and early twenties, the high doses of lithium we were on damaged our pituitary gland, adrenals, and kidneys while our thyroid bounced back, aided by the Vitamin B100 experiment Laz started a few months ago. HRT has quite possibly made it worse because (hypothetically) nothing that’s supposed to process testosterone normally can or will.
Huzzah. I hate this existence sometimes. Fuck psychiatry. We didn’t even need to be on lithium anyway. But here we are, persevering through this existence by means of sheer fucking spite. I’ve written a note to our PCP about this theory already. I’ll see what he says.
-Theo, standing in for Allēna today because she fell asleep.
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Hard pass, but thanks anyway.
Fascinating prompt.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
However, I am part of a DID system. We already struggle with this problem. No need to do it on purpose 🤣
-Allēna
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Getting Back on Track
When we were younger, mid teens or so, our family would always accuse us of having a one track mind and say that we needed to “get off the track” when we hyperfocused on something a bit too hard for their taste or comfort.
I, Allēna, am particularly bad about that. I’m very tightly wound, and I feel like a compressed coil much of the time. If something releases pressure on that coil, I might just.. Erupt and spill everywhere. I know much of that pressure is self imposed now that I’m an adult and is the result of a life filled with trauma, and as a result I am slowly but surely learning that I can learn to relax and I’ll still be safe and not everything will go to shit. I don’t have to be this poised image of perfection, and nor does everyone else. Not all the time, anyway. I view my AuDHD/CPTSD pattern recognition as both a blessing and a curse in this respect. It makes me very anxious, but I also get a lot done and a lot done in a way that gets results.
That being said, I’ve been slowly learning now that life is becoming more stable to make time for my special interests, both old and new. That hyperfocus, that “track”, if you will, is what energizes me. I can’t switch mental trains of thought or tasks easily like a neurotypical or someone who has a different “flavor” of ADHD can. However, whatever I’m doing, if I care about it and enjoy it, I give it my all. I throw my entire soul into it, and gods, does it make me feel alive again.
It never hasn’t..
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to relax through my burnout like a neurotypical will. However, I do know that engaging with people and things that make me feel alive again when I’m up for the task is the closest thing I feel to R&R.
And lately, I’ve been giving an old comfort show of mine a re-watch – Heroes. It’s an odd one. I don’t know many people who have seen it at all, but many actors I love are in it, and we watched most of it with our family back in 2011-12 or so, mostly on Wednesday nights.
It has been an odd experience. Very comforting, yet I only remember about half of it. I think it’s because while I loved it, I was likely severely dissociated at the time, largely focused on other things and people, and may not have been the only headmate in front, but didn’t realize it at the moment.
I don’t know. What I do know is this – it seems to have been a huge influence on my audio drama The Third Prophecy a little over a half decade later and one of the shows that made my system realize we were plural, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone for several more years.
I’ll need to keep watching. I’ll keep y’all posted.
-Allēna
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Object impermanence thoughts..
When we were younger, Xavier would often help us clean up our room and things because we would find it extremely overwhelming due to the sheer amount of crap we had (and frankly didn’t need or want in hindsight) and the fact that we would forget where we put the shit we did want five minutes later.
So he’d have us make up our bed and use it as a staging area, gently but firmly guiding us through sorting our things into piles of shit to throw away, shit to file in certain cabinets, and generally keeping us on task as a body double. It was much easier to clean that way.
He wouldn’t yell, he’d crack jokes and tell stories, he was a great person to clean with. He himself was neurodivergent to shit and his office was quite often a wreck, but the man was a goddamned genius and he was one of the only people who could motivate me in particular calmly.
Memories of cleaning with him are some of the only fond memories of doing chores we have. Most of the rest are very traumatic and unpleasant.
I got to thinking about cleaning with him because I just dumped my afternoon dose of meds out on my bed to see what I was doing better, using the bed as a staging area like he used to do with me..
I miss him.
-Allēna
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Our brainhole is just one big hall of mirrors sometimes.
#strokesurvivor #didsystem #NEISvoid #chronicfatigue #eepy
-Allēna
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Lazarus scares me sometimes.
Why?
My motherfucking headmate got a nasty feeling Mt. Spurr in Alaska was gonna erupt after seeing it on the USGS list of volcanoes with elevated activity a few weeks ago.
Spurr now has “50/50” odds of erupting, according to scientists.. #tbi #didsystem
-Allēna