Category: Castor’s Posts

  • I wrote this at workshop today.

    I am the candle you allowed to go out
    you would bind yourself to me but you’d never
    bleed for me
    and if you had fifty million words to say what you
    meant
    or anything at all
    you’d ramble on, talking in circles
    and in your haunted sound and your fury, you’d say
    nothing –

    did I ever mean a goddamn thing to you?
    was I nothing more than another withering body in your bed,
    another meal, another drink, another drug,
    another stepping stone in your unanswered,
    unmatched ambition?
    there’s no way to tell now in this optimized
    emptiness, is there?
    I’ve tried to see through the cage of your lies
    one too many times
    so now I go about my petty tomorrows and you go about
    yours on opposite sides of this compound fracture town
    we are all bleeding at the seams
    at the end of the day, aren’t we?

    I don’t think fate was involved anymore
    only hunger clawing at your insides
    and when you finished devouring me in your
    desperation, you corroded your soul
    with something and someone else
    another victim wrapped too tightly in your spell
    who are you drowning with now?
    of course they won’t see that the cords wrapped
    around their neck aren’t love until far too late
    of course they won’t have words for how you’re drinking
    them dry, and
    of course you won’t tell me their name
    but I’ll hear their screams through
    the grapevine anyway

    out, out
    brief candle
    again and again
    oh, that I would have
    died hereafter
    after what you did to me
    but
    watch me rise like the morning star
    instead
    burn out
    shimmer and fall
    knowing you can never again
    touch me

    -Castor 2/1/2026

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  • I made these today.

    Anatomy of A Broken Heart I
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart II
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart III
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart IV

    -Castor

  • I have no idea how Allēna has kept it together for so long.

    I’ve been frontstuck for the past two days and I don’t know how she can front for weeks to months at a time. This is the longest I’ve been in front in about 17 years that I can recall, and the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes.

    There is so much I’ve missed. I’ve been on an island in headspace that Kalla built some years ago that I call Little Patmos trying to make sense of Eight’s insane ramblings, prophecies, and dreams from his tenure as host while the others got out from under Zelda because I knew some shit was going down and I didn’t want to be present for it. That’s been my escape strategy for over the past decade and a half.

    I never thought that at any point, I would be the only able or willing fronter. There were too many of us, I thought. Surely Lazarus would be willing to front before I would have to.

    But no..

    Two days ago, I woke up in front. Peri was carrying a rather large gun, dressed like Sir Integra from the anime Hellsing Ultimate. She has staunchly refused to front, citing some threat she’s unwilling to disclose.

    Australis, a new arrival in my absence, looked like he’d seen a ghost.

    Tristan and Theo have both been more concerned with other matters rather than fronting. That leaves me as the only fronter currently anywhere close to headspace as well as acting host until Allēna comes back from wherever she is.

    I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the fact that Allēna and Eight especially have accomplished everything I wanted to do in life multiple times over, Zelda, the first person who could touch me and it not hurt long term in years, used us up and threw us away, and we are now legally married for the second time.

    I have no idea who I am anymore. I barely have a sense of where I am. I feel like a fucking shell. If we were still drinking, I would be shitfaced under some table right now. But I am not going to do that, as tempting as it sounds.

    Here’s to self discovery, I suppose?

    And Zelda, if you’re still keeping up with this blog, go fuck yourself. Better yet, don’t. I hope no one ever touches you again, you piece of shit. I know I got back with you last summer, but I regret that decision every day. Allēna deserved better. I deserved better. Emerson and Beany definitely deserved better. Everyone you’ve ever talked shit about deserved better. I’ll see you in hell.

    I’m going to go try and get some sleep once I’m done crying.

    -Castor

  • I found this gem from 9/20/2022 in our Google Drive.

    I am longing for longing’s sake
    I’ve struggled to let my heart want
    what it wants for so long that I’m going to
    let whatever haunts it haunt me.
    And fuck, I want so much. 

    there’s a man back east
    mysterious and strange
    fascinated by everything
    I think he may have been thirteen the
    first time I met Death
    I want nothing less than his mind
    but I want nothing more
    and I think I’m fine with that.

    There’s a woman in a hypothetical west
    with slender hands and tapering fingers
    come here? I ask her
    and she walks through rooms older
    than both of us combined
    she walks home, despite the fear
    through the years
    she walks home
    to me

    I want afternoons and gold dust evenings
    I want to let the world enchant me again
    one song at a time
    I want to be enthralled with what I have
    and what I will have
    and what I will lose
    The world is not a dead place.
    It is not made up of stark black and white.
    I may be tired but Death has yet to find me
    again
    Until then, I make my way home
    I will do what the man in the east did
    what the woman in the west will do
    And become fascinated with everything
    again.

    -Castor

  • Well, I appear to be back in front for the time being. Good morning, America.

    Also, we’ve posted on this newfangled thing for 100+ days in a row?? Nice. -Castor

  • Aristocats update 13:

    The weird thing about watching this movie after so many years is that nearly every scene was at least vaguely familiar to me but I didn’t remember much of the plot.

    Odd.

    -Castor

  • Aristocats update 12:

    Toulouse imitating alley cats is one of the best bits in this entire thing 🤣

    -Castor

  • Aristocats update 11:

    I love that one of the dogs can hear… Everything..

    -Castor