Excellence and batshittery, done on purpose.
I’m Lazarus. I make art, music, poems, plays, and magic for the quiet, brilliant, broken ones. If that is you, welcome home. I adopt your kind.
[Subscribe to my email list and I’ll send you a track I don’t remember recording.]
More about me here.
Please note that, with rare exceptions, any and all names mentioned in this blog are pseudonyms except our own. We want to be able to speak freely without doxxing anyone.
I learned how to make a bootable USB drive in order to repair Emerson’s laptop. In other news, I better understand why my ex-husband, Fang, was so goddamn cranky all the time. I got very pissed off while doing this project and named a folder “fuckass bitch program”….
-Allēna
So here it is.
I call it The Passenger because I sort of blanked out and drew this piece while listening to “The Passenger” by Iggy Pop on repeat? So here you go.
-Allēna
It reached OVER 100°F outside today and it was not pleasant for Emerson and I AT ALL. Wisconsin can handle subzero temperatures just fine, but we eat shit in the heat, ESPECIALLY since a lot of apartments and houses here don’t have central air conditioning and were built in the 1940s or earlier. I’m starting to wonder if my lingering nausea that I’ve been experiencing has been due to heat exhaustion. Emerson has been doing worse than me. We had to leave Linneman’s early last night because of the heat.
Wish us luck, pick a god and pray for us, send us good energy. Whatever gets us through the next few days…
-Allēna
Congratulations on outliving
LINDSEY FUCKING GRAHAM 🎉
(and possibly Mitch McConnell, because there’s no fucking way that the photo of him and Elaine Chao that his office released yesterday was legit)
-Allēna
I was bored, so I put together two posts, and I’m so proud of the promo image I made for one of them that I’m going to put it here.
No part of this image was made with AI. This is all human nonsense.
I am debating on a shower. I will take my leave of you now.
-Allēna
ie. I wonder if I forgot to take my H2 inhibitors because of bullshit object impermanence. Today was still difficult fatigue wise, but I had therapy and that helped. I also DEFINITELY REMEMBERED TO TAKE MY FUCKING MEDS.
If I have, in fact, forgotten to take them for the past couple of days, that’s definitely something to put down in my hypothetical future snarky memoir How to Win At Life because go me, F for my brainhole. Huzzah. Object impermanence wins again. Fuck my gay ass life 🤣
-Allēna
that I could barely respond to the wonderful messages people have been sending me on a lovely new app that Emerson and Hawthorne put me onto called Roost, and I still couldn’t get to all of them. I feel bad, but resting is important. The emotional and physical toll of the past…yes must be catching up to me.
It’s also been six years to the day since my headmate Peri left our ex-husband, Fang, although she wouldn’t leave for Texas until July 11 (Alaska time), so that may be also contributing to the exhaustion somewhat. July seems to be the month of life-altering decisions and plot twist insanity, whether it was Peri leaving Fang, Eight leaving for Philly a year and some later, him starting the relationship for the first time with Zelda the year after that (I can’t quite recall the date of their anniversary, though, but I know it was late July/early August), or my massive seizures that were a major contributing factor in us leaving Zelda that also happened a year ago today, not to mention me finally divorcing Fang officially last year on July 23. So it’s a heavy month for a lot of reasons, full of life changes and memories and grief.
I will admit that I’m fully anticipating tragedy in some form this month given the seizures last year, or some other kind of major upheaval, but I don’t know what it will be and that scares me and that could also be contributing to my fatigue…
We’ll see what happens, I guess. I’ll keep y’all posted, as always.
-Allēna
and I have been, physically, for the most part.
But things between Emerson and I have been a lot less tempestuous and a lot less stressful since he had his surgery, to such a degree that I’ve been able to work through my own emotional backlog for what feels like the first time in years, and I would LOVE to stop having soul crushing realizations for one day. Please.
-Allēna
He is home and recuperating. I was so worried.
I am going to likely crash for….the foreseeable future, so if y’all don’t hear all that much from me and my posts are rather short, these past few weeks have been brutally stressful and I am broken levels of tired. So…
Goodnight, y’all 💛 I hope you get some rest yourselves. You deserve it.
-Allēna