“14 school commandments”
i.
be a juggernaut in class. (home was school and school was home, a haven away from my rich parents who I didn't know were rich, and the wealth of my mind could carry its own weight. at least there I was doing something right.)
ii.
run a protection racket for foreign exchange students. (at home I was powerless. at school I was powerful. my mother called me selfish more than my name, and there I could be someone, something worthy. I could be something worth caring about.)
iii.
make friends from the wrong side of the tracks to run fades on ne’er do wells (on the subject of power and love, my friends were more my family than my family ever was, and you never went against my family.)
iv.
make popular kids owe you favors (my mother taught me how to search the world with a hardened gaze for treasure, for leverage, for the exits, this served me well.)
v.
befriend security guards (where love cannot serve you, rely on fear and awe)
vi.
have zero fear and utmost faith in your own skill (I was never unafraid, but if I didn't ask and fight for what I wanted, nothing good would happen for me, at home OR at school.)
vii.
form a gang of oddballs (they were kind. they cared like me, but heavy was the head that wore the tarnished crown and nothing ever made me feel completely at peace)
viii
have a hot boyfriend (my parents always said “a good relationship or marriage should make you feel like you have the better end of the deal” but everyone ended up losing and I just ended up hollow and desiccated, lost in my head and exhausted because I had no idea how to just feel, just be, and I still don't)
ix.
throw legendary parties (I didn't know how to stop running, stop performing, stop… I had given up then, I imploded, and in the implosion I found my way, ambling through the rubble)
x.
be tight with the “mean” vice principal (she reminded me of myself, I think, alone at the top)
xi.
know everyone (because that's how you get somewhere, right?)
xii.
take a legitimate interest in people (I just wanted to feel like SOMEONE cared, anyone)
xiii
act like you're on speed all the time to such an extent that you get the nickname “adderall” (why couldn't I ever slow down? was it excitement or was I simply afraid that if I quit, I would feel the sadness that constantly threatened to envelop me?)
xiv.
do as I say.
(not as I do.)
-Allēna 8/5/2025
