It feels worse than standard stomach flu, not as bad as the actual flu.
No idea what the hell is up here. So I’ve been curled up in bed watching Supernatural with Zelda and trying not to puke my guts out.
-Allēna
Blog
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As the lab results roll in, I’m hard at work on medical theories because that’s what we do..
It’s plausible that due to Hera‘s incredible (heavy sarcasm) DIY MKULTRA scheme she put us through in our late teens and early twenties, the high doses of lithium we were on damaged our pituitary gland, adrenals, and kidneys while our thyroid bounced back, aided by the Vitamin B100 experiment Laz started a few months ago. HRT has quite possibly made it worse because (hypothetically) nothing that’s supposed to process testosterone normally can or will.
Huzzah. I hate this existence sometimes. Fuck psychiatry. We didn’t even need to be on lithium anyway. But here we are, persevering through this existence by means of sheer fucking spite. I’ve written a note to our PCP about this theory already. I’ll see what he says.
-Theo, standing in for Allēna today because she fell asleep.
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Taking a break from watching Heroes for now because Doom Guy sent me a video and I replied partially in Japanese.
I didn’t know I knew enough Japanese for that particular brain fart, but here we are. All hail the Brainhole. I’m also very tired and probably need more sleep than I was able to get last night.
Wheeee.
I’m going to attempt a nap, but we all know that that sort of thing is hit or miss with this fucking body. I might also be coming down with fucking noro. Again.
More magic to come, just later..
-Allēna
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Another day, another adventure..
This.. Is me right now in all my exhausted, wavy haired glory. Emerson has a car now, and I am Out and About with him because he bribed me with coffee 🤣. I’m waiting for him while he gets his hair cut. Unfortunately, his sensory issues make it so he can’t grow his hair out long like he wants to.
We trolled the coffeeshop before this because after getting a total of $19.01, he said “1901 was a good year”, to which I said “no it wasn’t. That’s when William McKinley died.” And then we playfully debated on whether or not 1901 being good was “a matter of perspective” in light of that or not…
I’m pretty sure that everyone there thinks we are weird, disappointed vampires, or both now 🤣. Another barista joined in later on as the conversation progressed and I sorta gave him a theology lecture.. Oops.
The AuDHD goes hard.
We are going to a local bookstore after this because we are incorrigible.
See y’all soon.
-Allēna
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Currently sitting in the phlebotomy waiting room with Emerson.
I haven’t had a blood draw in so long because it’s so damn difficult to get up here. I’m full of surprises, I guess…
They’re drawing for a thyroid level on me. I didn’t know this, so this should be interesting. I’ll let you know how it goes.
-Allēna
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Hard pass, but thanks anyway.
Fascinating prompt.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
However, I am part of a DID system. We already struggle with this problem. No need to do it on purpose 🤣
-Allēna
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Getting Back on Track
When we were younger, mid teens or so, our family would always accuse us of having a one track mind and say that we needed to “get off the track” when we hyperfocused on something a bit too hard for their taste or comfort.
I, Allēna, am particularly bad about that. I’m very tightly wound, and I feel like a compressed coil much of the time. If something releases pressure on that coil, I might just.. Erupt and spill everywhere. I know much of that pressure is self imposed now that I’m an adult and is the result of a life filled with trauma, and as a result I am slowly but surely learning that I can learn to relax and I’ll still be safe and not everything will go to shit. I don’t have to be this poised image of perfection, and nor does everyone else. Not all the time, anyway. I view my AuDHD/CPTSD pattern recognition as both a blessing and a curse in this respect. It makes me very anxious, but I also get a lot done and a lot done in a way that gets results.
That being said, I’ve been slowly learning now that life is becoming more stable to make time for my special interests, both old and new. That hyperfocus, that “track”, if you will, is what energizes me. I can’t switch mental trains of thought or tasks easily like a neurotypical or someone who has a different “flavor” of ADHD can. However, whatever I’m doing, if I care about it and enjoy it, I give it my all. I throw my entire soul into it, and gods, does it make me feel alive again.
It never hasn’t..
I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to relax through my burnout like a neurotypical will. However, I do know that engaging with people and things that make me feel alive again when I’m up for the task is the closest thing I feel to R&R.
And lately, I’ve been giving an old comfort show of mine a re-watch – Heroes. It’s an odd one. I don’t know many people who have seen it at all, but many actors I love are in it, and we watched most of it with our family back in 2011-12 or so, mostly on Wednesday nights.
It has been an odd experience. Very comforting, yet I only remember about half of it. I think it’s because while I loved it, I was likely severely dissociated at the time, largely focused on other things and people, and may not have been the only headmate in front, but didn’t realize it at the moment.
I don’t know. What I do know is this – it seems to have been a huge influence on my audio drama The Third Prophecy a little over a half decade later and one of the shows that made my system realize we were plural, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone for several more years.
I’ll need to keep watching. I’ll keep y’all posted.
-Allēna
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Abdomen, we have a problem.
And by “problem”, I mean “the possibility of an ovarian cyst”.
I didn’t sleep well last night and as such slept through most of the morning and into the early afternoon because fuck this particular noise with a cactus.
I’ve never had an ovarian cyst before that I know of, but anything to do with the reproductive organs and this fucking body hurts like a bitch. This is no exception.
I’ll be back later when I’ve received caffeine, more sleep, or both. Which means the next post will likely be tomorrow. At least there are cute cats here..
-Allēna
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Talked with my maternal grandmother today for the first time in years.
I’m sure how I feel about about it yet. I’m still too stressed and tired to tell how I feel about much of… Anything, really.
But I’m sure my entire mother’s side of the family will have opinions before I will..
In light of all of this, I’m going to go attempt a nap.
-Allēna
