except for the fact that I am so goddamned tired that it feels like my organs have been scooped out and replaced with nothing but fatigue.
Fuck everything.
-Allēna
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It hits me like a rock…
There’s a certain song on my YouTube Music likes that brings back a ten ton brickload of memories every time I hear it. “Hits Me Like A Rock” by CSS takes me straight back to August of 2017 every fucking time I hear it.
I don’t quite remember how I came across it exactly, but I do remember that it was via Spotify somehow around the same time I entered into my first T4T relationship shortly after my 20th birthday and the total eclipse of the sun on August 21 of that year. I remember listening to it incessantly while I wrote what I later called the August Draft of the Third Prophecy along with Brazilian Girls’ cover of “Whip It” by Devo. I think I listened to both of those of those fucking songs they’re stamped into my viscera somehow. I was only with that girl briefly, but she fucking loved the Third Prophecy and was a phenomenal kisser, and she ended up inspiring a solid third of our 2017 album Mago. I hope she’s doing well.
What a month. What a time.
-Allēna
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“digital immortality”
25 people with more money than sense
are trying to ascend to godhood again
and we, the other 99%, dare them to do it –
in the same week that a
man in ontario, california sets fire
to his workplace screaming “you could have
paid us a living wage”
(careful,
he’s a hero)
we will all have bread & roses when you
upload yourselves to your digital heavens
to preside over an eternity of ozymandian
digital sand
we will feast on the grapes of wrath you
kept from us when you hang yourself
by a noose of your own hubris
may your wait-list be short
and your eternity be long
and ultimately fruitless-Allēna
4/11/2026
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I watched a PBS documentary about the fascinating late Congresswoman from New York, Bella Abzug yesterday.
I am Feeling Emotions about it.
First… Why did I never hear of her before? She fought for so much shit for women and AFAB people, like for them to be able to have their own FUCKING credit, for them to be able to be legally addressed as Ms., thereby freeing them to not be addressed relative to their marital status, and introduced the VERY FIRST nondiscrimination bill for LGBTQ+ people in the workplace.
Before that, she was a lawyer who made a name for herself attempting to appeal a conviction for a Black man accused of rape, even going so far as to write to the President at the time. It unfortunately was unsuccessful, but women at the time DIDN’T GO TO LAW SCHOOL and didn’t FUCKING DO THAT SHIT.
She fought for EVERYONE. SHE BELIEVED THAT NOBODY IS FREE UNTIL EVERYONE WAS FREE, and I believe that, too.
She was, unfortunately, a Zionist, but the documentary addressed that she had conflicting feelings about that, even back in the ’70s, because Israel was doing fucked shit aided and abetted by the States and toeing too close to the Holocaust for her taste, but she was Jewish and believed strongly in a homeland for her people. So I don’t know how to reconcile that part of her life, and it seems that neither did she.
She had a husband who deeply loved and supported her. She had two kids with him and still did all this. And everything I’ve mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg.
What a complicated, fierce, and important lady. She was also famous for her hats!
-Allēna -
Emerson and I went to see a reading of a play at County Clare Irish Pub tonight.
It was simultaneously very funny but also very emotionally heavy, and I took a much needed smoke break towards the end of it. Two girls were discussing their guy drama and I told them to just be bold and also trust their gut because we live in a hellscape. I told them that that’s how I met Emerson and we’re married now 💛 They said that they appreciated my wisdom, so there’s that, I guess. I also met a very inquisitive and affectionate dog named Keaton. Both his owner and I think he might be a boxer mix of some kind, but he’s also very small, so he might have been the runt of his litter. He was a very precious baby who reminded me of my childhood dog, a purebred Lab named Eli, who was constantly excited about everything and was very handsome. Everyone loved that lad even though he was extremely small for his breed.
I also figured out that a friend of Emerson’s and mine works at County Clare. I almost didn’t recognize her outside of the events I normally see her at, but it’s a small world, I suppose, and I was grateful to run into her. She’s lovely.
It started raining on the way back to the car, and I think my body is deeply unhappy with all the storms we’re having. I feel like I got hit by a train.
I think I’m going to go to sleep soon. I definitely need it. I managed to finally go to sleep around 5 AM today. I feel like I was hit by a train.
Juneau is in one of his states again – I think he might be splitting on me or starting to. He’ll probably come around in about 2 business days with an apology or something to that effect, and we’ll kiss and make up, as it were. I think it would be in poor taste to inform him that he might be splitting on me, he’s an adult and he’ll come to that conclusion on his own. In the meantime, there’s nothing to do but live life, dispense advice to strangers on the sidewalk like I’m some faerie that haunts the shadows, see really heavy plays, and scritch adorable dogs.
-Allēna
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I am too tired for this world..
I injured my ankle at Linneman’s on Monday due to the severity of my fatigue and I was in bed most of yesterday. I am still very tired because yesterday kicked the hell out of me emotionally. I just… Can’t with this shit. I hope y’all are having a better time than I am..
-Allēna
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“a beginner’s guide to splitting your brain”
when I said you’d be the death of me,
I was being literal. the left side of me is
a ghost, wrath kept it in the divorce
twenty eight years ago
when I was too young and stupid
to know what a prenup was
and I’ve been giving away pieces of me
since
when I promised you my hand, I was being
literal
keep it, preserve it in any way you want
after I am gone
whether you wear my bones as a talisman
to remember me, half dead haunted pipe organ courtesan assassin
or calcify it
like percy bysshe’s heart
to remember me by
when my time bomb mind decides to explode
and you outpace me on this race to the edge
when I said you’d be the death of me, I was
being literal. the two halves of my body
run on syncopated time
an unexpected eighth note in my limp
when my left foot drags behind my right
an odd time in my step
my right hand moving my left in time when
it balls up and refuses to obey any longer
even my brain has changed shape from
the stress of it all that I once called the thrill
but gods’ honest truth is that I think it’s
slowly killing me although I breathe for it
and I don’t remember how I got the will
to stay alive
I am no more god than ozymandias but I am
by no means fragile
I can and would walk through a hurricane and dance barefoot on sea glass to have you
believe I love you and know I mean it
and even though the spring sun may singe
the skin of this transmasculine tragedian
troubadour
it will take far more than heat and pressure to break me
and when I am gone, remember me as
a mountain of madness
remember me as a three legged hare who
decided to roar
remember me as one who fought for you
fought with you, fought death, did not go gentle
became the whirlwind, became the lightning,
and was the one that the lightning struck back.
remember me as the human unchained
the one who walks free
remember me as the one who shot the moon
and took the stars and brought them down for you
remember me as a hurricane, the madwoman
in the attic, the singer of morning
molten golden light,
the one in the ring who feared not the brave pain
and stood tall and bellowed at two generations of fire anyway,
the conjurer of shape and smoke
and color, the one who dared to split my mind
to walk in tragedy
to write my own eulogy
and take up fucking space anyway
remember me while I am here
remember me now
remember the life of me
while I still breathe -
I’ve defrosted.
It is technically spring, even though it’s supposed to be 36° tomorrow, which means it’s my time to shine. It’s been awhile.
-Tindwyl
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