Open Sorcery

Tag: actuallyAuDHD

  • “answer”

    I could ask my body
    what will I do when it has fallen
    and regardless of which side I try and
    coax, pry, cajole, or beat an answer from –
    the deaf side or the silent one,
    the answer is always the same:

    it already has.

    sixteen percent of my brain died before I was
    a year old, I fought tooth and nail to keep
    my own heart. (I was finally removed from
    the transplant list when I was 12)
    I’ve had to re-learn how to walk twice,
    I spent this past july remembering
    how to talk again
    after nearly dying for the nineteenth
    time. I couldn’t form a coherent sentence for
    a month after a seizure episode approximately
    twenty five minutes long
    I’ve been everything short of shot
    and sometimes I wish I had been
    just to get the dying over with
    because “what doesn’t kill you makes you
    stronger” is a goddamn myth
    sometimes what doesn’t kill you makes you
    wish you were dead

    the deaf side of my body and the silent side
    are asymmetrical, imperfect mirrors of each other
    an invisible remnant of the stroke in ‘98
    I can feel the right side but it doesn’t often
    tell me anything anymore because where it should’ve been able to talk my mother screamed
    over it and told me I was faking my pain
    and my sadness, my fear, that I was just
    looking for attention, and it was beaten into
    listening to her instead (she had a knack for
    going for the face)
    it took 24 years to fully break free and by that time
    my mind had shattered as well

    so, what will I do now that my body has fallen?
    same thing I’ve done since I was a child.
    rest, get up, do the damn thing again
    and try to listen for better whispers

    -Allēna 10/27/2025

  • I’m feeling stressed today in all honesty.

    But at least I have eldritch cookies and bangers like this:

    -Allēna

    #anxiety #NEISvoid #attaboy #cptsd #actuallyautistic #hypervigilance #stress #actuallyAudhd

    Fediverse Reactions

  • Presenting the finest spoof ad I’ve ever made:

    RIP Steve Jobs. This design Advertising?? poking fun at?? object impermanence is for you.

    -Allēna

    #ActuallyADHD #apple #spoof #shitposting #actuallyautistic #actuallyAudhd #NEISvoid #objectimpermanence #iforgot #graphicdesign #neurodivergence

  • “Be his peace” oh no, fuck that.

    Honey, fuckers like me are why stress induced cardiomyopathy exists. But gods, will he have a good time….

    -Allēna

    #chaosgremlin #relationships #actuallyautistic #actuallyAudhd #polyamory #sorcery #gremlinry

  • My last three (3) braincells attempting to decide what I’m doing today.

    One of them is autism, one of them is ADHD, and the other is the desire to not do anything productive at all. I think the dogs that are fighting are autism and ADHD, and the woman screaming is my desire to not do anything productive at all. The woman just wants to sit and watch more trash TV until some form of inspiration hits, and then she’ll do something. Except there are two huge dogs going goblin mode in front of her 😭

    This is my current mood. I’ve been resting a lot because my guts still hurt off and on, and honestly watching TV that I like is helping my brain rest and get more inspiration for my writing in the long term. Plus, as Laz has said before, it’s nice to be able to be a fan of things again. It’s been years since we’ve been able to do that.

    Aside from this post and talking to people, will I get anything else productive done? I’m not sure. But I’ll do my best if I’m so inspired.

    -Allēna

    Fediverse Reactions

  • Taking a break from watching Heroes for now because Doom Guy sent me a video and I replied partially in Japanese.

    I didn’t know I knew enough Japanese for that particular brain fart, but here we are. All hail the Brainhole. I’m also very tired and probably need more sleep than I was able to get last night.

    Wheeee.

    I’m going to attempt a nap, but we all know that that sort of thing is hit or miss with this fucking body. I might also be coming down with fucking noro. Again.

    More magic to come, just later..

    -Allēna

  • Getting Back on Track

    When we were younger, mid teens or so, our family would always accuse us of having a one track mind and say that we needed to “get off the track” when we hyperfocused on something a bit too hard for their taste or comfort.

    I, Allēna, am particularly bad about that. I’m very tightly wound, and I feel like a compressed coil much of the time. If something releases pressure on that coil, I might just.. Erupt and spill everywhere. I know much of that pressure is self imposed now that I’m an adult and is the result of a life filled with trauma, and as a result I am slowly but surely learning that I can learn to relax and I’ll still be safe and not everything will go to shit. I don’t have to be this poised image of perfection, and nor does everyone else. Not all the time, anyway. I view my AuDHD/CPTSD pattern recognition as both a blessing and a curse in this respect. It makes me very anxious, but I also get a lot done and a lot done in a way that gets results.

    That being said, I’ve been slowly learning now that life is becoming more stable to make time for my special interests, both old and new. That hyperfocus, that “track”, if you will, is what energizes me. I can’t switch mental trains of thought or tasks easily like a neurotypical or someone who has a different “flavor” of ADHD can. However, whatever I’m doing, if I care about it and enjoy it, I give it my all. I throw my entire soul into it, and gods, does  it make me feel alive again.

    It never hasn’t..

    I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to relax through my burnout like a neurotypical will. However, I do know that engaging with people and things that make me feel alive again when I’m up for the task is the closest thing I feel to R&R.

    And lately, I’ve been giving an old comfort show of mine a re-watch – Heroes. It’s an odd one. I don’t know many people who have seen it at all, but many actors I love are in it, and we watched most of it with our family back in 2011-12 or so, mostly on Wednesday nights.

    It has been an odd experience. Very comforting, yet I only remember about half of it. I think it’s because while I loved it, I was likely severely dissociated at the time, largely focused on other things and people, and may not have been the only headmate in front, but didn’t realize it at the moment.

    I don’t know. What I do know is this – it seems to have been a huge influence on my audio drama The Third Prophecy a little over a half decade later and one of the shows that made my system realize we were plural, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone for several more years.

    I’ll need to keep watching. I’ll keep y’all posted.

    -Allēna

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  • Challenges

    Ah yes. An interesting prompt.

    What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

    Staying alive, in all honesty. We live in a hellscape and I’m under a lot of stress right now being a repository of knowledge and stress buffer/mediator for a lot of people. It’s so bad right now that I don’t know how I feel personally about a lot of the situations I’m the human DMZ in, and I am currently too exhausted to try. Alexithymia and chronic fatigue are bitches and a half.

    I’m still trying to care for myself as best as possible in all of this, finding a balance is just…. Difficult. It’s one of the reasons my phone is eternally on Do Not Disturb. It gives me some semblance of artificially manufactured peace and quiet amidst all the chaos.

    I think in another life, I would have made a great emergency medical technician.

    -Allēna

  • Object impermanence thoughts..

    When we were younger, Xavier would often help us clean up our room and things because we would find it extremely overwhelming due to the sheer amount of crap we had (and frankly didn’t need or want in hindsight) and the fact that we would forget where we put the shit we did want five minutes later.

    So he’d have us make up our bed and use it as a staging area, gently but firmly guiding us through sorting our things into piles of shit to throw away, shit to file in certain cabinets, and generally keeping us on task as a body double. It was much easier to clean that way.

    He wouldn’t yell, he’d crack jokes and tell stories, he was a great person to clean with. He himself was neurodivergent to shit and his office was quite often a wreck, but the man was a goddamned genius and he was one of the only people who could motivate me in particular calmly.

    Memories of cleaning with him are some of the only fond memories of doing chores we have. Most of the rest are very traumatic and unpleasant.

    I got to thinking about cleaning with him because I just dumped my afternoon dose of meds out on my bed to see what I was doing better, using the bed as a staging area like he used to do with me..

    I miss him.

    -Allēna

  • Regarding boredom..

    These prompts, have been going OFF lately. Here’s today’s.

    What bores you?

    Well, I am an AuDHDer, so, in short… Pretty much everything after a point, fortunately or unfortunately. My brain is hardwired for two things, as best I can determine, and those things are patterns and novelty, such that after I get used to something, I can tune it out. It can, in every meaningful way, cease to exist to me.

    That skill has served me very well during situations where I was being actively abused – I would memorize my abusers to such a degree that I could work around them and they’d be all but nonexistent to me. In situations where I actually give a shit but things are just moving too damn slowly for my brain that processes shit at roughly the speed of the manhole we accidentally launched into space, it’s a helluva curse and I would rather die than be stuck in whatever situation I’m in waiting. Patience is not my strong suit. So I tend to live in my head a lot to pass the time.

    The one consistent exception to this is when something pisses me the fuck off. Then it’s eternally interesting and it’ll get stuck in my head until I solve it. I cannot count the number of special interests I’ve gotten into because someone told me I couldn’t ever do them.

    I am a contrarian little bitch who finds ways or fucking makes them…

    -Allēna