Open Sorcery

Tag: cheatingincident

  • I’ve been so tired

    that I could barely respond to the wonderful  messages people have been sending me on a lovely new app that Emerson and Hawthorne put me onto called Roost, and I still couldn’t get to all of them. I feel bad, but resting is important. The emotional and physical toll of the past…yes must be catching up to me.

    It’s also been six years to the day since my headmate Peri left our ex-husband, Fang, although she wouldn’t leave for Texas until July 11 (Alaska time), so that may be also contributing to the exhaustion somewhat. July seems to be the month of life-altering decisions and plot twist insanity, whether it was Peri leaving Fang, Eight leaving for Philly a year and some later, him starting the relationship for the first time with Zelda the year after that (I can’t quite recall the date of their anniversary, though, but I know it was late July/early August), or my massive seizures that were a major contributing factor in us leaving Zelda that also happened a year ago today, not to mention me finally divorcing Fang officially last year on July 23. So it’s a heavy month for a lot of reasons, full of life changes and memories and grief.

    I will admit that I’m fully anticipating tragedy in some form this month given the seizures last year, or some other kind of major upheaval, but I don’t know what it will be and that scares me and that could also be contributing to my fatigue…

    We’ll see what happens, I guess. I’ll keep y’all posted, as always.

    -Allēna

  • I made these today.

    Anatomy of A Broken Heart I
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart II
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart III
    Anatomy of a Broken Heart IV

    -Castor

  • I have no idea how Allēna has kept it together for so long.

    I’ve been frontstuck for the past two days and I don’t know how she can front for weeks to months at a time. This is the longest I’ve been in front in about 17 years that I can recall, and the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes.

    There is so much I’ve missed. I’ve been on an island in headspace that Kalla built some years ago that I call Little Patmos trying to make sense of Eight’s insane ramblings, prophecies, and dreams from his tenure as host while the others got out from under Zelda because I knew some shit was going down and I didn’t want to be present for it. That’s been my escape strategy for over the past decade and a half.

    I never thought that at any point, I would be the only able or willing fronter. There were too many of us, I thought. Surely Lazarus would be willing to front before I would have to.

    But no..

    Two days ago, I woke up in front. Peri was carrying a rather large gun, dressed like Sir Integra from the anime Hellsing Ultimate. She has staunchly refused to front, citing some threat she’s unwilling to disclose.

    Australis, a new arrival in my absence, looked like he’d seen a ghost.

    Tristan and Theo have both been more concerned with other matters rather than fronting. That leaves me as the only fronter currently anywhere close to headspace as well as acting host until Allēna comes back from wherever she is.

    I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the fact that Allēna and Eight especially have accomplished everything I wanted to do in life multiple times over, Zelda, the first person who could touch me and it not hurt long term in years, used us up and threw us away, and we are now legally married for the second time.

    I have no idea who I am anymore. I barely have a sense of where I am. I feel like a fucking shell. If we were still drinking, I would be shitfaced under some table right now. But I am not going to do that, as tempting as it sounds.

    Here’s to self discovery, I suppose?

    And Zelda, if you’re still keeping up with this blog, go fuck yourself. Better yet, don’t. I hope no one ever touches you again, you piece of shit. I know I got back with you last summer, but I regret that decision every day. Allēna deserved better. I deserved better. Emerson and Beany definitely deserved better. Everyone you’ve ever talked shit about deserved better. I’ll see you in hell.

    I’m going to go try and get some sleep once I’m done crying.

    -Castor

  • As a response to a rash of anonymous hate mail I have received over the past couple days,

    I have created a wealth of supplies for The Opps.

    The following designs are available on my Redbubble shop in many forms for their hate club.

    My haters can purchase hate club supplies here and here.

    I might as well turn the fact that these mother fuckers can’t keep my name out of their mouths into laughs and cold, hard cash.

    If anyone wonders why I did this, I was bored and unsupervised. Thank you very much and good night.

    -Allēna

    Fediverse Reactions

  • I had a very busy day yesterday and I am exhausted from packing today.

    I went to a ball yesterday that was more like a dance party in disguise because the DJ seemed to be allergic to playing slow songs. I also made a masterpost on Facebook regarding the ongoing situation with Zelda in response to an anonymous question I received. If you’d also like to send me anonymous questions, click here.

    -Allēna

  • Moving wore me out.

    I slept for a long time today and I’m still tired. We still have a lot more to move.

    -Allēna

  • I was so tired that I fell asleep without writing yesterday.

    I confess that I’ve been holding out on y’all.

    We got a new apartment and are moving in slowly but surely! It’s a helluva workout and very hard on both Emerson and I, but even the cats are more relaxed now.

    -Allēna

    Fediverse Reactions

  • “supplication”

    you have taken the world that I was
    and left me empty 
    craving 
    longing
    is there anything that I can use to fill the chasm 
    on the side of the bed where you once slept 

    I stumble home 
    if I can even still call it that 
    for in the taking, you 
    took more than just yourself 
    you took everything that meant something to me
    from this space and left it ruined 
    just like me 

    now even the flies are starving

    sobs wrack my threadbare chest 
    everyone that I once knew is turning
    away from me and into their own personal 
    darkness, tired
    can you come back and give me anything 
    even undo me again
    please 

    -Allēna 1/11/2026

  • I wrote this today.

    It’s called “the denouement”. It’s about Zelda. 

    13 years 
    13 years
    I peered through the bars of
    your wintry love into the flame 
    and I saw the future 
    laying on the kitchen floor in 2022 -

    13 years 
    13 years and decreasing - 
    I declared to you 
    that you'd see the end of it all
    but not much more 

    11 years
    10 
    you fancy yourself inimitable 
    invincible 
    sophomoric survivor 
    but you drink your rage and heartbreak 

    9 years 
    9 years 
    I know the signs of alcohol poisoning from 
    watching my first husband 
    watching my father

    8 years –
    you terrified me the first time 
    scarcely a week in

    7 years 
    and you cheated the first time when
    we’d barely been together for two months
    I thought I could finally rest
    fucking fool was I

    6 years 
    6 years left 
    I watch you try to outrun your demons 
    again 
    again 
    again 
    but they've always been faster
    or perhaps you've always loved them more 
    than you could ever love me

    5 years 
    4 years 
    and I watch the tests roll in 
    I know how it goes 
    first the heart
    then the kidneys 
    then the liver
    then the rest
    then the cash out, the flare out
    alone

    when you are spent
    who will be there to catch you
    except the bottom of the bottle?

    -Allēna

  • Moderate to severe fatigue and weakness persists,

    BUT Emerson and I went to a cat rescue yesterday and saw SO MANY good babies. He wanted to adopt a petite void named Zack but couldn’t afford the adoption fee.

    Zelda is AWOL, I’ve only seen them for a few hours since New Year’s Eve when they came home last night to crash after leaving their cats locked in their room for a bit over two days.

    Mercifully the cats are free now. Who knows where the fuck Zelda is or what (read: who) they are doing.

    I’m so tired. I can’t wait to move the fuck out of this shithole.

    -Allēna