Hey, everyone. This is your trusty guide and sorcerer, Lazarus, once again. Today was very slow moving, as I woke up tired and I didnāt really recover much energy all day. I donāt think the weather helped much, nor did my anxiety about the upcoming presidential elections, but my pain wasnāt too bad, and I got most of the things done that I had wanted to do. This post is the last major thing that I wanted to do today, so even if I crash after writing it, I will have done plenty today. Both Zelda and Emerson are over here tonight on the off chance that things go to hell locally with the aforementioned elections. I find it ironic that the elections are being held on November 5, which is Guy Fawkesā Day in the UK, but thatās neither here nor there.
Iāve been meditating of late about how a lot of modern culture, especially in the United States, doesnāt prioritize rest and leisure in the slightest. Weāre often conditioned from birth to be human doings rather than human beings, and it creates this enormous culture wide shame around things like rest and on a deeper level, disabilities and chronic ailments. Everyone is in a hurry, and many people are left behind if they canāt keep up for any reason and it kills them slowly.
Practically from birth, I was one of those people who was constantly at risk of being left behind, even by my own family. Both of my parents were entrepreneurs, and my father, Xavier, had built his business into a smash success. My mother, Hera, would often say that she didnāt know what she wanted to do when she grew up, but she ran a photography business for most of my youth while simultaneously homeschooling my brother, Blue, and I.
Both parents were basically allergic to what they considered to be ālazinessā. I was disabled because I had survived heart failure and then a stroke in quick succession when I was a baby, and was very atypical in other ways as a child, both mentally and physically, so I had to push myself from an early age to keep up with the rest of my family. I had to undergo numerous operations as a result of the heart failure/stroke combination, which left me in severe pain the majority of the time, so it was a battle to keep up with my very athletic parents in any real way, and they gave me shit for not being very physically strong. I grew up thinking that everyone around me was in severe pain that they justā¦hid, and that being pain free was just more BS that companies said to try to sell you something. I didnāt learn that that was false until I was 24 or so.
Mentally, I was different from nearly everyone I knew, as well. I could read by the time I was 18 months old, and was both blessed and cursed with an extremely accurate autobiographical memory, so I could remember nearly everything that had ever happened to me in excruciatingly accurate detail. I also had a heightened intuition and next to no sense of linear time, which only got stronger as I got older.
Not only that, but because of the age when all of the things happened with the stroke and things, I didnāt attach in any meaningful way to most of my family members or..anyone, really. I sort of always knew that they were garbage. Pair that with the massive vocabulary that I got from being able to read so young and an almost complete lack of shame or regard for them, and I wasnāt shy about letting them know how I felt about the lot of them and their bullshit. This caused a lot of problems. I was very angry and lonely from an early age. I didnāt fit in anywhere, and I didnāt particularly want to. I felt like a stranger in my own family. By the time I was perhaps five or six, I wanted to be an adult so I leave and not come back.
Nobody really knew how to handle me. Xavier did his best, but my mother, Hera, sort of gave up on getting to know me as I was and settled for trying to make me normal as she defined it. There was only one problem. I had survived so many things that should have objectively killed me that there was no fucking way I was going to walk away from any of that shit normal, even if I had been properly nurtured and met where I was. It didnāt really work and got very, very ugly.
I came out of my childhood cripplingly anxious, perfectionistic, plural, and dripping with self hatred to such an extent that I was ashamed of my very being and pretty actively suicidal. Her definition of normalcy was nowhere close to normal, and certainly was nowhere close to how I functioned best.
I was still in agonizing pain, both mentally and physically. I didnāt care about myself at all, and that translated to my relationships. I loved people, but had no idea how to show it. Because of how I was raised and my trauma history, I unconsciously thought at the time that the highest form of love was begrudgingly tolerating someoneās presence, and that I would be lucky to find a partner at all, much less one that actually valued me for who I was and treated me well. So my first partners were less than stellar.
Over time, I started working through my trauma in greater depth and came to find out that much of my upbringing and therefore Heraās definition of normal was very, very much not normal. Not even close. I think a better word to describe it would be unhinged. A major part of that examination has been looking at my anxiety around rest and productivity. Thatās taken a lot.
I have no internal sense of when I need to quit until I am so tired I canāt stand up or my hypermobile joints are dislocating, and thatās taken a great deal of work to unfuck in any real way. I donāt like doing nothing. I deeply enjoy being productive and keeping my mind and hands busy, especially since I have had to spend much of the last three years in bed and have this gnawing sense that I need to make up for lost time, so to speak. Iām almost constantly bored if Iām not actively engaged in something deeply, and I have a very hard time slowing down and relaxing.
I know all of this is trauma talking, and I need to give myself more breaks and leisure time. But how? Iām still trying to figure that out. In a way, writing here is a nice balance, as it gives me a nice focal point for all of the chaos in my brain with no external algorithm to appease. I write here when I want to and am able and only really then. Granted, I still put a great deal of pressure on myself to write regularly, but I do that so that writing doesnāt get lost in the shuffle of the maelstrom that is my life. I actively want to write and deeply enjoy it when I do. Iāve always enjoyed writing.
Additionally, Iāve been using writing on to give myself a mental pause button and time to sit and reflect on what Iāve been thinking about of late relatively free of distractions. Itās a challenge, but I love challenges. I love trying to articulate my meditations as clearly as Iām able, as that gives me a handy thing to refer back to, even if no one ever happens upon this blog later. I always feel lighter after I write, so this is in its own way a form of rest, I suppose.
Iāve found myself completely out of energy at around three o clock in the afternoon consistently, as well, and I have done my best to stop fighting the fatigue and let myself drift gently into a nap. Apparently this isnāt my body being weird, nor is it a chronic fatigue thing, itās just a human one. This was reassuring to learn, and may help me fight the fatigue even less. This is a fucking process for sureā¦
Ah, well, I think thatās enough for today, yāall, as my brain is starting to get tired. Stay tuned for more magic, glorious entities near and far. Iāll be around.
Your very sleepy bored cat of a sorcerer,
Lazarus
