you may want me dead
and sundered into pieces
smaller than grains of sand
but you’ll never tell
and I will never know
such is the punishment for twenty hours
of touch that is torture in hindsight
such is the punishment for
shattering a fragile peace
and believe me, if I could destroy
myself that utterly
don’t you think I would have
already?
surely you also know the hell I’ve
seen?
is it strange that I can still
see her face in nearly perfect detail
square jaw and blue hazel eyes
I rewind the tape again
and again –
how do you not get what you want
when it is offered freely
before you even ask?
before you even consider
what it is you want?
you only wanted security
and safety
and the comfort of routine
I wanted her
and I wanted you, too, once or twice –
now I hold in the pain you
wish you could see.
someday you might get your
wish. someday I might
be broken into
twenty six billion pieces
just like I did to my
dreams
like you did to my trust
and faith in a found home
and I will go my fate
head unbowed
still wondering if I
deserved it
but still I carry on
intact on the outside
I find my strength in
brokenness
do I leave a piece of me
in everything I leave behind?
-Allēna
