and I have been, physically, for the most part.
But things between Emerson and I have been a lot less tempestuous and a lot less stressful since he had his surgery, to such a degree that I’ve been able to work through my own emotional backlog for what feels like the first time in years, and I would LOVE to stop having soul crushing realizations for one day. Please.
-Allēna
There isn’t a lot I can do at present except stay in bed most of the time even if I would otherwise have the energy to move around and do things. When I do attempt to get out of bed and do things, my spine and hips start to scream again and that isn’t a good time for anyone. So I’ve been laying in bed and watching a lot of Scandal on Netflix again, since we got our subscription renewed a bit ago.
While I watch TV and sling memes and work on things online and around the house where I am able, it’s gotten me thinking a lot about the nature of rest as well as what it means to be reasonably able to do something. See, I am technically able to do a lot. I have the skills, knowledge, and in many cases, technical mastery necessary to perform many tasks. Whether I’m able to actually do these things, especially all at once or in a short amount of time without hurting or exhausting myself, is a completely different story, especially now. I think that’s how ability, in a compassionate world, should be defined: whether or not a person can accomplish a given task, without threat of significant harm to themselves and/or others around them.
It’s a similar case with rest for me. I don’t rest typically. My mind requires near constant stimulation, either by means of something like watching TV that makes me think, daydreaming, researching, writing, building this website, or by external means involving trusted people when I’m able to participate and they are also able and willing, like fun conversations, adventures, or performing poetry. If I get bored, that’s ALSO not a good time for anyone. I wouldn’t find relaxing on a beach somewhere any sort of rejuvenating at all, unfortunately. My brain has to be engaged in something I’m passionate about for me to feel like I’m resting, ironically.
Given the complicated intersections between my mental needs and physical disabilities, I find a lot of my community and stimulation online. I have since at least 2017. Hell, many of the people I know and love in person now I initially met online, because as I’ve worked through my agoraphobia and even worse physical pain and fatigue than this, it was one of the only ways I could meet people and keep in touch with them at all.
I suppose all of this is to say thank fuck for the Internet. It’s given gremlins like me a voice and a community and opportunities to have some semblance of a life that we wouldn’t have had before it came about. The Internet isn’t perfect and a lot of things are shit about the state of the world today, but I love my people. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this. Y’all make my life a little brighter every day.
How do y’all rest? How do you find community? What do you think it means to be reasonably able to do something?
You don’t have to be disabled and/or neurodivergent to answer, but I’m very curious to hear from disabled, neurodivergent, and other marginalized people especially. Let me know in the comments 💛
-Allēna
I took half a magnesium supplement again and my body had a… typical reaction?
I did this because I noticed that my heart was hurting last night for some strange reason, and in most people, magnesium evens out heart rate and calms them down. I’ve been worried about having another cardiac event since my last seizure in the wee hours of July 7 of this year when my heart rate shot through the roof after smoking weed to manage severe lower back pain, which triggered a chain reaction.
Thirty minutes later, I was on the floor convulsing for some 25 minutes and I don’t remember most of July. I would not like to repeat that incident, thank you very much. So I’ve stopped the weed since then and attempted the magnesium again today (which I last took when I was smoking weed like a motherfucker, so that might have had something to do with my strange initial reaction to it). The initial reaction in question was a strong spike in blood pressure and heart rate that induced the migraines it was supposed to prevent. I hadn’t begun my vitamin B experiment or my ibuprofen experiment yet that I can recall, either, which may have contributed, as well. Hell yeah, science in my brainhole!
Anyway, shortly after I took the magnesium supplement, I fell BACK to sleep for around another much needed 4 hours. I went to sleep at around 4 AM last night and woke up at 9 AM initially, took my meds, and after hanging out with my partner Zelda for a bit before they went to work, I fell back asleep and frankly don’t quite remember passing out. It was nice. So I think I might take the magnesium at night tomorrow since it appears to help with sleep when I’m not literally high on life, lol. My heart feels better and I do feel calmer.
I have no clue what I’m going to do for the rest of the day. More sleep, since I’m effectively nocturnal at this point? Possibly.. that sounds nice.
-Allēna
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#writingcommunity #amwriting #amwritingpoetry #punk #cripplepunk #disabilities #survivor #cptsd #spilledink #spilledwords #trans #poetsofmastodon #gay #queer #queerwriter #rebirth #healing #rest #NEISvoid
Suits marathon today because I think I’ve burnt out on my Gossip Girl binge for the time being, lol. Have a selfie about it. -Allēna #suits #suitstvshow #selfie #vibing #rest #eepy #queerjoy
And then a line formed of cats waiting to accost me for scritchy…
-Allēna
#cats #cuddle #slowmorning #cuddlelumps #blanketlump #rest #NEISvoid
One of them is autism, one of them is ADHD, and the other is the desire to not do anything productive at all. I think the dogs that are fighting are autism and ADHD, and the woman screaming is my desire to not do anything productive at all. The woman just wants to sit and watch more trash TV until some form of inspiration hits, and then she’ll do something. Except there are two huge dogs going goblin mode in front of her 😭
This is my current mood. I’ve been resting a lot because my guts still hurt off and on, and honestly watching TV that I like is helping my brain rest and get more inspiration for my writing in the long term. Plus, as Laz has said before, it’s nice to be able to be a fan of things again. It’s been years since we’ve been able to do that.
Aside from this post and talking to people, will I get anything else productive done? I’m not sure. But I’ll do my best if I’m so inspired.
-Allēna
We appear to be sleeping better over here now. I have no clue why we’re sleeping better since he won’t be out until the end of this month, but he does seem to be around much less, and when he is, he’s far quieter. So we sort of fully collapse when we’re here now for the first time in years. Hell yeah. -Allēna
SINNERS REJOICE! I, Lazarus, slept for approximately eight and a half hours and DIDN’T HAVE ANY NIGHTMARES THAT I CAN RECALL! Hell yeah! I’m also not super scrambled today so far, but I’ve been up for less than thirty minutes. LET’S ROCK TODAY, BITCHES (affectionate). I think I’m gonna go throw alllll of my newfound spoons at a wall by taking a damn shower. I fucking need one. Fatigue is a bitch, but I have Things to Do today. So I wanted to post first, tell y’all the news, and then waterboard my brainhole shower, lol.
Have memes to celebrate.
Stay tuned for more magic, lovely weirdos. I’ll be around, hehehe..
-Lazarus
