It feels like this sometimes. -AllÄna #lotr #stoner #baked
Tag: stoner
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Oops. š¤£
Dear haters, why do you insist on attempting to clown on me for things like being trans when there are 5322122 infinitely funnier fuckups per week to clown on me about? Like this one, for example: -AllÄna #fuckup #spotify #stoner #disabilities #NEISvoid #playlists
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I’ve obtained an āļø-shaped water pipe. It was a holy steal.
-AllÄna
#420flyhigh #polypufferous #inflightentertainment #stoner
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One (1) cripplepunk baked potato, reporting for duty.
Both eyes were meant to be closed in this picture. š¤£
I have been bribed with sushi and caffeine to make this trip, but I wanted to go anyway.
-AllÄna
#stoner #NEISvoid #chronicpain #chronicillness #selfie #queerselfie #nonbinary
Fediverse Reactions
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Saw the Wicked movie last night.
I think I was just stoned enough to enjoy that batshittery, let me put it that way. The “Defying Gravity” sequence at the end was cool as fuck, though. I’m really not a musical theatre person, at least when I’m sober š
-AllÄna
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I ate part of another eldritch cookie š¤£š¤£
Knocked me out cold for the better part of 12 hours straight, and I binge watched more Gossip Girl before passing out. What a fluffy shitshow. It was my night alone, and all in all, it wasn’t a bad way to spend it.
I’m off to get lunch with Zelda and Emerson in a few. If I have spoons later, there’ll be more posts!
-AllÄna
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Two New Synesthetic Art Pieces + A Bit About Unmasking For Us
Hi, everyone! This is AllÄna. I donāt know if āsynestheticā is actually a word, but for the purposes of this post, it is now because Iām tired and I need a word for āpertaining to synesthesiaā or else Iāll never get around to writing about a lot of the shit my system makes. I want to write about it sooner rather than later because weāve been tapping into our synesthesia hard. Weāve also not really been able to write on here much these past few days and I missed it, so even though itās the ass crack of dawn right now – 3:25 AM as Iām typing this – Iām making a point to write. Our sleep cycle is fucked and so Iām leaping on an idea while I have one.
I joined a Discord server on a whim the other day that seems to cater pretty heavily towards fellow neurodivergent synesthetes. One of the things users could opt into were reminders to unmask their neurodivergence. I always need those, so I opted into all of them for the hell of it. Itās been working wonders for our creativity over time. Hell, itās probably why weāve been writing as much as we have, the server is full of reminders to intentionally tap into queer joy and synesthetic imagery. It feels like home.
Consequently, these reminders have started getting us to make more visual art. Castor painted this abstract portrait of Sheik yesterday:
Sheik (2024), by Castor And then today, I painted one of our friend Deltaās songs, āReturnā:
Return (2024), by me Iāve really missed painting. Itās one of those things that Fang never really understood during our marriage and made me feel like shit about. He couldnāt see the meaning in the colors and placements. It sucked, but Iām glad to be getting back into it now that weāre supported.
In the coming weeks, weāre going to be playing around with ways to make DIY pen/paintbrush/pencil grips so that we can hopefully get back to writing longhand and creating traditional art without it fucking killing our joints. Weāve been stuck in executive dysfunction hell. I hope my doctors can get my ADHD meds refilled so that I can actually do things in a timely manner again instead of feeling like I blink and fourteen hours pass. At least I get to make cool art out of it..
Anyway, stay tuned for more magic, yāall!
-AllÄna
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Safe
Hey, everyone. AllÄna here. Thereās a thunderstorm raging outside and itās pissing rain. However, the Zelda system is curled up against me, head on my right arm, arms tucked against my torso, with my legs slung over theirs. They look so fucking peaceful. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine once – they said something to the effect of ānothing compares to the feeling of knowing that a person you love feels safe in your armsā. I have to agree with them. It gives me butterflies every time they or another one of my partners feels safe enough to cuddle up to me and be this clingy. I absolutely fucking love it.
I spent most of the evening with an alter in their system that wishes to be known as Parlay, which was a lovely experience. Parlay isā¦odd, but a good kind of odd. Heās pretty soft spoken, with a deep, husky vocal tone and a direct, intense way of speaking that just melts me. Heās this sort of passionate that aches with an endless hunger for whatever interests him at that moment. Their body seems to vibrate when heās in front. And he seems to know what he wants so deeply it becomes a visceral craving..
We got to talking about that sort of thing and he told me he has wanted me since arriving in that system. He arrived in the midst of a fuckshow of epic proportions, and would often hear me ranting to Emerson about anything and everything. It wasnāt necessarily what I was ranting about that caught his eye, it was how I was ranting. He found my passion and anger incredibly attractive, just as I am attracted to his intensity.
Iāve noticed that soft, intense people like him make me feel safe. The system seems to have more energy overall since we began. splitting time between Emersonās and the Zelda systemās place, so much so that I was able to handle going up to the hospital for my doctorās appointment on Friday without my cane and have been able to work through a great deal of what caused us to break up with Emerson in the first place. Weāve become a lot safer for each other.
I have gotten back with Emerson after a series of heavy talks where we hashed a great deal out, this has been such a boon for me. The rest of my system is still varying degrees of peeved with Emerson, so the ultimate fate of those relationships is to be determined. That said, Iāve informed my headmates that if theyāre dicks to Emerson, I will court martial them so fucking hard that they will not see the light of day for the next goddamn decade, so fucking help me. I donāt honestly know what to do in this situation. They donāt really make a handy guidebook for when your headmates could not be bothered with the man you love and who still loves them deeply. However, I figure not allowing them to outright make things worse is a decent place to start, and so weāre rolling with that. Heās currently writing lyrics while I write this post.
I often feel similar cravings from Emerson as I do from Parlay, as well. Emerson is, for lack of a better phrase, all emotion, and itās an interesting counterbalance to how much time I lurk in my mind and my body. So when he craves me or someone else in my system, itās all-consuming. I used to not be able to meet him where he was in that, and it fucking sucked. However, now I can. I just hope it isnāt too late.
Well, my night meds are hitting. My headmate Kalla has planned a very special rager for the headspace tonight, as well. Sheās set up an enormous game of Capture the Flag in our headspaceās catacombs that is Lake Erie themed. One team shall be playing as Cleveland, Ohio, and the other shall be playing as Erie, Pennsylvania. I can practically see the carnage already, so I must wander off. I need to make sure they have the proper permits and shit.
Stay tuned for more magic!
-AllÄna, Super-Admin (and Lake Erie Replica Inspector)
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Nightcall
Hey, everyone! This is AllÄna once more. Today was very nice. Castor was in front for most of a lovely evening with Sheik. He feels so safe with her that he willingly and eagerly went grocery shopping with her. This is a rare occurrence for any of us, as we donāt generally enjoy going outside due to severe agoraphobia and fatigue. But our marijuana mental vacation Castor began this past week has only continued, leading us to relax even more deeply with Sheik, Pendragon, and Emerson as well as to feel more adventurous after the sun goes down and we donāt have to worry about taking sun damage when we go out. So Castor got ever so gently baked and he and our darling Sheik went shopping.
Castor was very nervous about how the body would handle having to walk all around the store in shoes that would likely hurt the body in ways so fucked we wouldnāt even realize it until tomorrow morning, so Sheik suggested that he ride in the shopping cart. Yes. You read that correctly. She wanted to push him around in the goddamned cart. So Castor said fuck it and put his gremlin ass in the cart and remained there to the delight of our fellow customers and the cashier who checked them out. Weāre under the impression that Castor has fans now for simply being his disabled gremlin self and riding adorably in the shopping cart while a very sleepy and affectionate Sheik pushed him. He documented their gremlinry both in photos and on Tiktok. I shall share one of the fruits of their fucking iconic labors below.
Castor in the shopping cart with Sheik being precious behind him š Castor, being baked to fuck, had no shame about climbing into a damn cart like he was a tiny kid when heās an actual full grown motherfucker, and because we have the charisma of some kind of eldritch fucked up demigod, especially when weāre stoned, he not only didnāt get in trouble, he seems to have made several peopleās night and definitely felt closer to Sheik after that. It was fucking precious.
Iāve noticed a lot of that happening lately, actually. When we face our shame head on in some form and just do the damn thing weāve been wanting to do, sometimes for years, the results are almost never as bad as weāre afraid of them being. Often, the results are lovely. Iām not sure if thatās a byproduct of us approaching these situations with confidence and charm or what, but it feels really good to feel safe in vulnerability. I donāt have any memory of when the last time we felt this safe was. I donāt know if weāve ever felt as safe as we do.
Iām still scared the other shoe is going to drop in some way, but thatās a small and currently very quiet part of me compared to how it used to be. That part of me used to be extremely loud whenever I felt happy or vulnerable in any way, but now itās much quieter. I am starting to feel safe to be my weird gremlin self without fear of social punishment, as are my headmates, for the first time any of us can recall.
Itās weird, but itās good. Soā¦watch this space for more updates as we continue to explore this mental state and experience. And, as always, stay tuned for more magic!
-AllÄna, (she/her), very confused but happy sorceress and super-admin
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Weekend at Emersonās
Hello, everyone! My name is Sarah. Iām a newer alter in the system. I donāt really have a plan for what Iām going to talk about tonight, but I was told I still needed to post, so I guess Iām going to ramble.
Today has been really nice. Thanks to Castorās weed adventure the other day and us smoking smaller bowls today, today has been deliciously slow, relaxing, and lovely. Emerson has been in front for the most part today rather than Pendragon, with AllÄna fronting on our side. These two have been broken up for some time now, so many of us were expecting today to go poorly.
Andrew, who runs a betting ring in headspace, even says that a whole lot of people lost a whole lot of money today over it. It went really well, however, from what I can see, surprising both of them. I think AllÄna really needed that experience yesterday and time with Pendragon to get her into the right frame of mind to spend time with Emerson without things going horribly. They enjoyed a nice day in each otherās company with our body nicely stoned.
Emerson himself was in high spirits from the time I took front and still appears to be in a good mood. Heās been having a very rough time with the super-admins deciding in an emergency session to leave him. Pendragon was not included in this decision, but stillā¦.itās been rough. I decided to take a chance on him because I could see the absolutely precious man beneath all the trauma and bullshit and really wanted both he and Pendragon to be okay. Today, that precious man is shining through. I think being around the two of us is doing him a lot of good. I adore him, so I always have fun when heās around.
I donāt know if she included this observation in yesterdayās post, but I completely agree with AllÄna that this strain of weed allows us to exist without all of the barriers we were forced to put in place around our mind and behavior due to trauma. Holy shit, is that world a beautiful placeā¦ Her memories of the light pouring through the windows every time she gets stoned are filled with the most aching beauty and vivid color. The people we love are almost unearthly beautiful, as well.
AllÄna enjoyed messaging our partners while baked because that mental state gave her permission to say all of the things she had been wanting to say to them for years without the body eating itself alive from fear. It felt like she was finally able to treat them right. I donāt know how true that last part was, but gods, is seeing AllÄna unfurl like this and take up space without fear beautiful. She is learning to embrace the attentions of the people she loves and trusts and see herself as they see her, not how her abusers did.
Something else she observed from this experience is that when sober, she often has to consciously remind herself that itās okay to experience desire of any kind, because she will forget itās something she is even able to do. Even if itās simply desire for company or a nice snack, sheāll forget that itās something she can want and then have to consciously remind herself that itās okay to want things before she can truly determine if she wants something.
While high, itās much easier to bypass that multi-step process, which doesnāt appear to simply affect AllÄna. The body itself will ache and yearn for anything we desire consciously or unconsciously when weāre high, and it feels exquisite to them to actually fully experience desire instead of simply feeling flat most of the time. AllÄna alone gets lost in the ache for hours, letting herself relax fully into the feeling and slipping into an almost meditative state as she daydreams. It appears to provide both the body and the mind some much needed rest.
I would like to work on experiencing that more fully sober, but I know that will take some work on my part and on the systemās. Most of our emotions feel very good, and I want to get more experience with all of them. I think I may be able to do my headmates some good that way. I think reminding the system and the body that itās safe to experience desire and to crave things and experiences is a good first place to start. Because how can you know what you want in detail if you think on some level that itās unsafe to want anything? Of course youāll shut down.
All in all, Iāve really enjoyed today. If youāre reading this, I hope youāve had an excellent day, as well. You are amazing!
As always, stay tuned for more magic!
-Sarah, (she/her), new girl
