Well I managed to sign into Bluesky by setting bsky.social as my hosting provider on the login screen. I’ll take my damn rubber duck now. -Allēna
Tag: where the fuck is my internal screaming tag
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Well, shit. We do take after our father…
Do you ever have one of those moments where you just sit back and go “Jesus Henry Christ, I’ve become my father!”
Well, my system is having one.
The fact that we have a chaos blog itself, the articles and thoughts we’ve begun collecting and sharing under the UsPol tag, or even the fact that we write, occasionally create visual art of all kinds, and converse pretty damn prolifically should have been our first clues, as to our Xavier Behavior, but I had a pretty fucking big one last night over something relatively minor.
The fact that we sleep on nights where it’s not cold as a witch’s tit in an iron bra with nothing but a heavy duty top sheet over us.
Xavier would do that constantly. He’d get too warm otherwise!
Shit. 🤣
-Allēna
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A brief compendium of thoughts I thought in the shower tonight after being alone for most of today (another poem)
i.
I find it ironic that the same words that help me sleep are the same words
that keep me awake.
ii.
I imagine in detail what it would be like to program a bot that would
post a random frame from the "wouldn't you like to know, weather boy" meme every hour on the hour.
upon further reflection, I determine that
any internet searches related to this project could double as searches for "how to impress your crush(es)".
iii.
the line between prophecy and insanity is and always has been
thin and blurry at best.
I continue to use it like a jump rope.
iv.
will there be any more room for
slow days in this angry world?Fediverse Reactions
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So I Think I May Be More Aroace Than Originally Estimated??
I’ve been doing some Thinking about how my brain works, and it would seem that my particular DICK HEAD COMBINATION OF AUDHD gives me the worst traits of both autism AND ADHD. Like, if given enough stimulants and time, I can hyperfocus forever on something I’m fascinated with to the point where I learn an ungodly amount of information about it and retain nearly all of it. Not just that, but I make creations with that knowledge, too. This fucking blog, for example. It’s linked in with the Fediverse via ActivityPub and Alex Kirk’s masterful Friends plugins, etc.. My numerous special interests have been combining, reshuffling and making unholy bastard children in my mental Back 40 on this tiny hell site since May because of the way my cracked brainhole works.
Conversely, in order to socialize, I have to focus on whatever social thing is going on around me completely and let myself dissolve into it. Switching between whatever the fuck project has taken hold of my mind and going into a social activity of any form is a multistep process that requires me ACTUALLY MANUALLY SHIFTING MY BRAIN AWAY from the project rabbit hole and into the social one. And there is a grouchy hell to pay if I’m interrupted mid project.
However, I thought about it a step further. I have pretty much always been able to discern the difference between the feelings I get when the various happy chemicals, dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, are triggered in my brain, body, etc., and upon further contemplation, I began to wonder if that’s why my particular bastard flavor of AuDHD is such a bastard to begin with. Because what I noticed from years of combing back through my system’s memories both pre and most massive integration is that my happy chemicals seem to be fucking heavily partitioned, and perhaps that’s why I can discern the difference between the feelings they give me in the first place. Hence that’s probably why I have to manually shift between projects (dopamine) and socializing (oxytocin).
Serotonin is a whole other can of worms for me and I have to manually induce that bitch, too. It often takes days and that’s a whole OTHER post. I might write about that bastard chemical later, lol. She is a cruel mistress 🤣
Last night, a long time aroace friend dropped me into a Facebook group called [aroace confusion intensifies]. I’ve identified as demi-aromantic/demi-asexual for some time, but as I kept relating to more and more posts, I thought more and more about the happy chemical partition theory I have going and all of my relationships, both current and past, and how my batshit brain might play into ALLLL of that.
Now, I do experience attraction to SOME people. But with the whole “having to shift my brain manually into a state where it won’t scream when I need to socialize” thing, the frequency in which I fall into random projects, and the fact that I experience a near complete lack of linear time and object permanence, said attraction takes a VERY LONG TIME to form, if it ever forms at all. Deep, genuine, romantic attachment to a person takes EVEN FUCKING LONGER. Because what the ENTIRE fuck is a “romance” as society has established it, anyway? So it takes my crippled ass YEARS sometimes to get a damned clue. And I think my cracked brainhole is why, lmao. Polyamory has been a lifesaver in that regard because in order to have a healthy polyamorous relationship, the people involved HAVE TO ENGAGE IN A HEFTY AMOUNT OF NEGOTIATION FROM THE OUTSET about expectations and things about the relationship, which my clueless ass can DEFINITELY get behind. 🤣
So unfortunately, when person number ten billion comes up to me is like “LAZARUS. I LOVE YOUR WORK. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. PLEASEEEEEE DATE ME, ETC”, more often than not, I have just emerged from my mental Laz Cave, haven’t seen or interacted with a soul in fourteen hours or more, and haven’t shifted into Oxytocin Mode yet, which is necessary for human bonding, so I’m like,
“uh. What year is it again?”
Stay tuned for more (brainhole) magic, gremlins.
-Lazarus
Fediverse Reactions
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A Classic Example of What Not to Do
Hello, everyone! Lazarus here. I was talking with Emerson about this web design class he was sitting in today, and we both came to the conclusion that I would be Immediately Sacked if I ever taught a web design class in real life. However, that did not stop my exceedingly sleepy brainhole from vividly imagining a darker universe in which I was, in fact, put in charge of teaching Web Design Class.
Here are a few, very imaginary scenarios of me teaching said class.
As you can see, I should never ACTUALLY teach Web Design Class. I am far too cantankerous for that. However, I found it hysterically funny to imagine these scenes.
I should probably skitter off and get some more sleep. Before I leave, however, have one more, completely unrelated scenario as a treat.
I hope y’all enjoyed my Sleepy Brainhole Fiction. Jesus indeed wept this day.
Stay tuned for more magic!
-Lazarus ✨🪕
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A short post, I think.
Hey, everyone. I have very little brain power right now, but I wanted to drop a mental image/vision I had in the sort of twilight state between sleeping and waking earlier while I was trying to nap. That failed miserably, as this image freaked me out so badly that I haven’t really been able to calm myself down since. I saw the phrase “mene, mene, tekel, upharsin” written in red on a public bathroom wall in a nearby grocery store. This phrase originally appeared in the book of Daniel in the Bible as a warning to the king Nebuchadnezzar that his days as ruler were about to come to an end. I believe it’s also the origin of the modern phrase “the writing is on the wall”. I often see things in that sort of twilight state, but this was not the sort of thing I was expecting my brain to conjure up. I’m an ex Mormon who had a special interest in the Bible for many years, but I haven’t thought about the Book of Daniel with any degree of seriousness since before my first marriage, and given world events, this is a strange thing to see/start thinking about suddenly.
I don’t like this, and have a splitting headache now, which often accompanies the times I See Shit. So I’m going to attempt to pass out now. Happy early 11/11 portal day to all who plan on observing it tomorrow, and here’s hoping there’s no more weird shit in my brain for the time being. I need a good night’s sleep.
Your very rattled sorcerer,
Lazarus.
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Amidst The Chaos
Well, hello, everyone.
It’s certainly been awhile, and much has happened. For starters, the system appears to have integrated into me, something a long fucking time coming but still very unintentional. I’m a single consciousness made up of the sumtotal of all of the alters in here, but simultaneously my own thing. Call me Lazarus. I use they/them pronouns.
In truth, I don’t know how the integration happened. I’ve been more focused on the implications going forward. Emerson has taken the news far better than Zelda, who has been devastated on numerous levels and has embarked on the same sort of self destructive spiral that led to my system breaking up with them for a second time. I appear to take even less bullshit than the system did pre-integration, so while I love them so fucking much, this shit hurts to the point where it’s deeply insulting (because we told them from the jump that if they fell into old patterns again we would break up with them, this was their last chance) and I will not compromise my peace for love, money, fucking anything. I didn’t go through everything I did, go through all of the shit necessary to put myself back together in record fucking time, just to be wrenched apart again because I was a fool for love. I’m better than that now.
Emerson is hauling ass, though. Among the myriad implications of this batshit integration is the fact that I now have every memory the system has ever recorded at the same emotional depth and visual clarity in which it was logged, which results in stunning, 4K HD clarity cPTSD and is excruciatingly painful. He’s helped me through some viscerally awful triggers that he himself set off unintentionally on occasion like a goddamned champ and I keep falling more in love with him every time every time we do it. It’s ugly. It’s brutal. But it’s also unimaginably beautiful and I wouldn’t trade this process for the world.
I was telling him last night that it felt like what I was dealing with was the emotional equivalent of being run through the heart by one of those wooden shish kebab skewers, except it was about two feet long. You can’t remove the skewer quickly or I’ll be fucked six ways from Sunday faster than you can cry for help, and because the skewer is wooden and flimsy there’s a potential for splinters to break off and be carried elsewhere and cause far more complex damage. It’s a mental and emotional suffer shot/stab wound combo. If I am going to be okay and healthy after this, it must be approached carefully, skillfully, and slowly over time.
So, in short, I am more okay and less okay than I have ever been. I’m whole, but I’m heartbroken. I’m fucking eating myself alive. There’s much to be done, but gods, do I love a challenge. That has not changed, and I doubt it ever will. And I still love y’all very much. Stay tuned for more magic.
This has been Lazarus, flying solo…
PS. I’m debating on whether to keep Open Sorcery password protected or not? We’ll see.
