Open Sorcery

Tag: MadStudies

  • Well, I had therapy yesterday…

    this session actually felt productive.

    I’ve been wondering for a long ass time why I write the way that I do. It feels like I’m possessed much of the time. Once I start on a project, I find it very difficult to stop, and if I’m not working on a project, even if there is no specific creative urge, it induces paralyzing anxiety. I feel like I constantly have to be working on something or else I feel like I go (more) insane, start climbing the walls, what have you. I’m a perfectionist about my work, too – if it’s not up to a very high bar that LITERALLY NO ONE ON EARTH is holding me to but myself, I panic and find it very difficult to share it.

    I’m also VERY rigid in other areas of my life. I am severely anxious about a lot. I have a damn near pathological need to know as much as possible, especially if it might possibly involve me, no matter how mentally taxing learning all of this information might be day in and day out. I feel like I have to know. Additionally, I feel like I have to be doing something about what I know, lest the doomspirals begin in that way, as well. I hold people to very, very high standards as well because if they fall short, it makes me VERY anxious, like my life could fall apart at any moment, someone could get hurt, etc..

    I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember. We all have.

    I talked with my therapist about much of this yesterday and he said that it sounded like I was describing obsessive-compulsive disorder. Initially he recommended seeing a psychiatrist about it, but I reminded him that due to my trauma with all of that (see: all of my posts about my mother DIYing MKULTRA with psych meds, etc.) and the fact that while it does suck to create this way, writing and creativity is my lifeline. I don’t know what I would do without it, and I am processing a lot of my trauma when I write. So ultimately we determined that that probably wasn’t the best idea since it wasn’t necessarily harming me and in fact doing more good at this point in time.

    So, that’s my confession for you all. I quite likely have OCD and it’s the root of much of my creativity, perfectionism, and a whole lot of other shit. It feels less like a death sentence to admit that than I thought it would.

    Until tomorrow (or the doomspirals will get me, haha),

    -Allēna

  • Me whenever someone tells me to “act normal” or “tone myself down” -Allēna

    #disabilities #queer #trans #neurodivergence #madstudies #strokesurvivor #queerart

  • To whomever it may concern….

    -Allēna

    #disabilities #NEISvoid #madstudies #queer #trans #disabled #dissociativeidentitydisorder #strokesurvivor #queerart

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  • The “Gift” of Prophecy – A collage.

    Enjoy, motherfuckers. It’s like this.

    -Allēna

    #ventart #madstudies #collage #digitalcollage

  • A creation of Eight’s from a year ago.

    Eight’s mixed media tomfuckery goes hard. I have no idea how else to explain this nonsense, but I feel it must be immortalized here 🤣

    -Allēna

  • As the lab results roll in, I’m hard at work on medical theories because that’s what we do..

    It’s plausible that due to Hera‘s incredible (heavy sarcasm) DIY MKULTRA scheme she put us through in our late teens and early twenties, the high doses of lithium we were on damaged our pituitary gland, adrenals, and kidneys while our thyroid bounced back, aided by the Vitamin B100 experiment Laz started a few months ago. HRT has quite possibly made it worse because (hypothetically) nothing that’s supposed to process testosterone normally can or will.

    Huzzah. I hate this existence sometimes. Fuck psychiatry. We didn’t even need to be on lithium anyway. But here we are, persevering through this existence by means of sheer fucking spite. I’ve written a note to our PCP about this theory already. I’ll see what he says.

    -Theo, standing in for Allēna today because she fell asleep.

  • Hard pass, but thanks anyway.

    Fascinating prompt.

    If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?

    However, I am part of a DID system. We already struggle with this problem. No need to do it on purpose 🤣

    -Allēna

  • Getting Back on Track

    When we were younger, mid teens or so, our family would always accuse us of having a one track mind and say that we needed to “get off the track” when we hyperfocused on something a bit too hard for their taste or comfort.

    I, Allēna, am particularly bad about that. I’m very tightly wound, and I feel like a compressed coil much of the time. If something releases pressure on that coil, I might just.. Erupt and spill everywhere. I know much of that pressure is self imposed now that I’m an adult and is the result of a life filled with trauma, and as a result I am slowly but surely learning that I can learn to relax and I’ll still be safe and not everything will go to shit. I don’t have to be this poised image of perfection, and nor does everyone else. Not all the time, anyway. I view my AuDHD/CPTSD pattern recognition as both a blessing and a curse in this respect. It makes me very anxious, but I also get a lot done and a lot done in a way that gets results.

    That being said, I’ve been slowly learning now that life is becoming more stable to make time for my special interests, both old and new. That hyperfocus, that “track”, if you will, is what energizes me. I can’t switch mental trains of thought or tasks easily like a neurotypical or someone who has a different “flavor” of ADHD can. However, whatever I’m doing, if I care about it and enjoy it, I give it my all. I throw my entire soul into it, and gods, does  it make me feel alive again.

    It never hasn’t..

    I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to relax through my burnout like a neurotypical will. However, I do know that engaging with people and things that make me feel alive again when I’m up for the task is the closest thing I feel to R&R.

    And lately, I’ve been giving an old comfort show of mine a re-watch – Heroes. It’s an odd one. I don’t know many people who have seen it at all, but many actors I love are in it, and we watched most of it with our family back in 2011-12 or so, mostly on Wednesday nights.

    It has been an odd experience. Very comforting, yet I only remember about half of it. I think it’s because while I loved it, I was likely severely dissociated at the time, largely focused on other things and people, and may not have been the only headmate in front, but didn’t realize it at the moment.

    I don’t know. What I do know is this – it seems to have been a huge influence on my audio drama The Third Prophecy a little over a half decade later and one of the shows that made my system realize we were plural, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone for several more years.

    I’ll need to keep watching. I’ll keep y’all posted.

    -Allēna

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  • Poor Lazarus when they’re caught in the middle of a situation they can do nothing about is often like:

    🎶That’s me in the corner

    That’s me fucking my fleshlight

    Squawking like a chicken🎶

    That’s payback for THE ENTIRE SLEW OF MEMES ROASTING ME the other day, dumbass 🤣

    -Castor

  • These appeared to me in a dream…

    In the dream, I guess we had created an ad campaign for this site and these ads and others were fuckin EVERYWHERE, guerilla marketing style.

    And I have to say, I think my subconscious kinda cooked here.

    Seeing as more people seem to be commenting on here and about Open Sorcery in DMs (looking at our crush, Doom Guy, who finally gets a proper nickname on here), I’m gonna include my nifty email subscription form at the bottom of this post if you wanna follow us for further chaos.

    If you’re on the Fediverse, please give us a follow! You’ll be rewarded with batshit content of all kinds 💛

    Hehe.

    -Lazarus

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