Blog

I wrote this today:

I'm the result of two generations of fire, at least 
my grandfather saw horrors he likes to laugh 
about and won't talk about directly, but 
he replicates them compulsively when 
he's stressed out or bored 
my mother does the same thing and laughs 
about it too, but watches me for 
the same signs, the same crazy, like a ticking 
time bomb although often she is the cause 
of the insanity she fears so deeply at her core. 

I want to say that the shows I like 
hit too close to home, but they 
play out like my life did for twenty four years. 
pyromania burned through my mother's 
line, held my grandfather prisoner. 
my mother had her own compulsions, 
not just fire. her hands, cold as death, were 
always busy, always searching, always 
grasping for another handhold, another tool, 
another soul, another project. her hazel eyes
knew every entrance and exit, how to find
and get leverage, and she was plagued by 
the nightmares, too. under the constant 
stress of a dying husband and warring children, 
her mind held her hostage for eighteen years, 
forcing her to build fortress after fortress, 
light fire after fire, see threat after threat,
run and run. 

and she saw me as a blackened mirror 
of herself, a shell burned through. 
she followed me like a firewatcher, 
as though I was a bomb primed to explode. 
my compulsions are not hers, but the terror 
is the same. the mechanism is the same 
or is similar enough to be indistinguishable. 
but I am here to quench the fire and the thirst
and I might be crazy but I'm here to do things 
differently, so watch me if you must 
but be prepared for me to
douse 
your 
flame

-Peri 9/25/2025