I’m kidding.
But I do paint melting clocks on occasion. Like this one.
Hehehe….
Tag: actually AuDHD
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My Brainhole… Visualized
A bit of context: my friend mk (it/its) posted an incredible thought piece on its Substack on feral anarchy, what it means, etc., and I found it very inspiring. I, too, am quite feral, a synesthete, have zero sense of linear time, and have built my very neuroqueer life from a place of loosely organized chaos. So I decided to make art that aimed to describe my experience a bit. Therefore… Have this!
Many of the words in this art piece are from my poetry, hehe.
I highly recommend reading mk’s work if you do not and following/subscribing! It’s doing great things.
-Lazarus ✨
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A brief compendium of thoughts I thought in the shower tonight after being alone for most of today (another poem)
i.
I find it ironic that the same words that help me sleep are the same words
that keep me awake.
ii.
I imagine in detail what it would be like to program a bot that would
post a random frame from the "wouldn't you like to know, weather boy" meme every hour on the hour.
upon further reflection, I determine that
any internet searches related to this project could double as searches for "how to impress your crush(es)".
iii.
the line between prophecy and insanity is and always has been
thin and blurry at best.
I continue to use it like a jump rope.
iv.
will there be any more room for
slow days in this angry world?Fediverse Reactions
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On a somewhat lighter note,
On a somewhat lighter note,
This is PRECISELY how taking a shower feels.
I swear most of the so called executives in my brain are like. Greenhorn neurotypical Harvard Business School grads who are so AGGRESSIVELY NORMIE that they’d punch a barista if they got their triple shot breve no foam Starbucks order wrong on their way into work in my brainhole, and the one guy who CAN function in this shit hole is an aging secretary who is responsible for my pattern recognition and systematization who shows up to work in heels and a neon pink blazer.
Plot twist, he’s almost entirely ace, and he makes sure all the other bitches (who are all gay and dating secretly) get their CORRECT coffee so that they can accomplish their SINGLE actual task. Which is Take Shower. Secretary is Cooking the Sickest Memes about his batshit job in the background and posting them to his Tumblr blog, which is a sort of an open secret. He’d tell the others about it if they’d stop FUCKING FIGHTING for long enough to ask questions, lmao.
On that ridiculous note, I need to assume the role of That Fucking Secretary at Brainhole, LLC, stop fucking about on Discord, and haul my crippled ass into the fucking wet box.
Stay tuned for more magic. Probably shortly at this rate 🤣
-Lazarus
#actuallyADHD #actuallyAuDHD #ActuallyAutistic #Discord #ExecutiveDysfunction #fuckingAbout #meme #memes #neurodivergence #showeringSucks #systematization
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So I Think I May Be More Aroace Than Originally Estimated??
I’ve been doing some Thinking about how my brain works, and it would seem that my particular DICK HEAD COMBINATION OF AUDHD gives me the worst traits of both autism AND ADHD. Like, if given enough stimulants and time, I can hyperfocus forever on something I’m fascinated with to the point where I learn an ungodly amount of information about it and retain nearly all of it. Not just that, but I make creations with that knowledge, too. This fucking blog, for example. It’s linked in with the Fediverse via ActivityPub and Alex Kirk’s masterful Friends plugins, etc.. My numerous special interests have been combining, reshuffling and making unholy bastard children in my mental Back 40 on this tiny hell site since May because of the way my cracked brainhole works.
Conversely, in order to socialize, I have to focus on whatever social thing is going on around me completely and let myself dissolve into it. Switching between whatever the fuck project has taken hold of my mind and going into a social activity of any form is a multistep process that requires me ACTUALLY MANUALLY SHIFTING MY BRAIN AWAY from the project rabbit hole and into the social one. And there is a grouchy hell to pay if I’m interrupted mid project.
However, I thought about it a step further. I have pretty much always been able to discern the difference between the feelings I get when the various happy chemicals, dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, are triggered in my brain, body, etc., and upon further contemplation, I began to wonder if that’s why my particular bastard flavor of AuDHD is such a bastard to begin with. Because what I noticed from years of combing back through my system’s memories both pre and most massive integration is that my happy chemicals seem to be fucking heavily partitioned, and perhaps that’s why I can discern the difference between the feelings they give me in the first place. Hence that’s probably why I have to manually shift between projects (dopamine) and socializing (oxytocin).
Serotonin is a whole other can of worms for me and I have to manually induce that bitch, too. It often takes days and that’s a whole OTHER post. I might write about that bastard chemical later, lol. She is a cruel mistress 🤣
Last night, a long time aroace friend dropped me into a Facebook group called [aroace confusion intensifies]. I’ve identified as demi-aromantic/demi-asexual for some time, but as I kept relating to more and more posts, I thought more and more about the happy chemical partition theory I have going and all of my relationships, both current and past, and how my batshit brain might play into ALLLL of that.
Now, I do experience attraction to SOME people. But with the whole “having to shift my brain manually into a state where it won’t scream when I need to socialize” thing, the frequency in which I fall into random projects, and the fact that I experience a near complete lack of linear time and object permanence, said attraction takes a VERY LONG TIME to form, if it ever forms at all. Deep, genuine, romantic attachment to a person takes EVEN FUCKING LONGER. Because what the ENTIRE fuck is a “romance” as society has established it, anyway? So it takes my crippled ass YEARS sometimes to get a damned clue. And I think my cracked brainhole is why, lmao. Polyamory has been a lifesaver in that regard because in order to have a healthy polyamorous relationship, the people involved HAVE TO ENGAGE IN A HEFTY AMOUNT OF NEGOTIATION FROM THE OUTSET about expectations and things about the relationship, which my clueless ass can DEFINITELY get behind. 🤣
So unfortunately, when person number ten billion comes up to me is like “LAZARUS. I LOVE YOUR WORK. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. PLEASEEEEEE DATE ME, ETC”, more often than not, I have just emerged from my mental Laz Cave, haven’t seen or interacted with a soul in fourteen hours or more, and haven’t shifted into Oxytocin Mode yet, which is necessary for human bonding, so I’m like,
“uh. What year is it again?”
Stay tuned for more (brainhole) magic, gremlins.
-Lazarus
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The Gift And Curse of Associative Memory, Part Ten Billion
Every time I’ve opened Tusky, my Mastodon client, today, I get this goddamned song stuck in my head.
Figuring out all of the various and sundry Fedi plugins I can integrate with WordPress is AMAZING. I’m having a blast exploring the Fediverse. But I swear, if I get this drumbeat stuck in my brainhole ONE MORE TIME…
🎶Don’t say that you want me, heeeeyyy🎶
NO. I DO NOT WANT THIS SONG IN MY BRAIN AGAIN. PLEASEEEEEE…
-Lazarus
