But I got a new pipe that makes me look like I’m in charge of something from Closet Classics. I love it.
-Allēna
We appear to be sleeping better over here now. I have no clue why we’re sleeping better since he won’t be out until the end of this month, but he does seem to be around much less, and when he is, he’s far quieter. So we sort of fully collapse when we’re here now for the first time in years. Hell yeah. -Allēna
I’m the original host of this system and have been tinkering with web design and the internet in general since I was about 5. I’ve been running WordPress since 2008, and since about that time, I’ve noticed what this article talks about more and more frequently. Namely, homogeneity, not just in terms of WordPress blogs, but across the entire Internet.
We already run a very lean and mean version of a preexisting WordPress theme on this site, one that several of us have lovingly tweaked over several months to suit our needs and provide users with as little clutter and bullshit as possible when they land the site from the jump so that they can just dive right in.
However, my system can be described with the word weird. And while I like what Open Sorcery looks like now, as we post more, explore ourselves, I want to modify the site to reflect us more. I’m reluctant to use phrasing like “reflect our brand” or anything like that, because we don’t really sell things on here, and on the rare occasions we do hawk our wares, the “brand” and the way we live are one and the same.
Because yes, I absolutely love accessible, clean design. But the Open Sorcery site is missing the strange artistic side of our self expression, which is a huge part of the way we do things.
This will likely be rolled out over time, require iterative tweaking and experimentation, and may change a lot aesthetically. Because we don’t fit one “look” and never have. And nothing will come of this tonight because I need more rest. I just wanted to put my thoughts down on paper for y’all before I lose them.
One thing I don’t want to change, though? A clean interface, free of unnecessary bullshit visual clutter. So while it may look fucking cool and striking, I want no detail to impede the actual function of the site.
✨oooo shiny website✨
-Castor
Also, Doom Guy has joined the polycule!
But our guts hurt badly, so I’m gonna take meds and go the fuck back to sleep. I just had a very weird dream almost entirely in Spanish that I was hanging out with Shakira.
-Castor (but not entirely sure yet)
Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time?
In person socializing, mostly, unless you’re one of about five people on a very good day.
Alongside that, we seem to be slowly losing the ability to speak aloud due to burnout and fatigue. It’s just… Not something we want to do much anymore. We would rather do shit than talk about it. Idk.
-Lazarus
In all honesty, I never really think about that holiday??
My sweet Danish partner reminded me it existed today and I told him that due to my time blindness I’m likely to find myself in a situation out of a sitcom where someone who has a crush on me invites me over or something, I have no fucking clue what day it is, everyone else gets extremely upset with me, and I just end up rolling with it and they confess their love for me with flowers and chocolate and I’m like “I’m so sorry… what year is it again” 😭
I’ve forgotten my own birthday before. I’m not fucking kidding. I tend to forget Valentine’s Day exists especially hard because I wasn’t exactly…. Desirable until well into adulthood, and even now it’s still a mindfuck to me that people want to date me at all? So wheee. AuDHD is a helluva thing.
-Allēna
It’s February 5th here, the day our dad, Xavier, died, nine years ago. I woke up a few hours ago, blinked, realized what day it was, thought about all the bullshit going on in the world, thought “Nope”, and went right the fuck back to sleep for another several hours.
Xavier was known for both hibernating through the winters, trying his damnedest to get me to rest, and treating himself and everyone he loved. I think this is what he would have wanted.
Sláinte, Dad. This day of rest is for you. I’m trying. I really am.
-Allēna
The more I sit with the realization that what my system is dealing with is complex grief about the state of the world and life and things, the more it feels like I’m swimming in an ocean of just… Sadness. I’m safe, it’s just a lot to feel. Hence why I’m writing here. I don’t really know how else to begin deeply processing emotion beyond writing, and I’m feeling the grief so somatically that I don’t have the energy to talk to people individually about it. So I figure word vomiting here is a good place to start.
I have lost so much. We as a society could have had so much in this past election cycle (Kamala Harris wasn’t great but she sure as fuck wasn’t this) and while I’ve seen TRUE bone chilling right wing terror as an ex Mormon.. This is pretty fucking terrifying. Everyone was warned and they didn’t listen. My system actually foresaw much of this. So we’re just mourning what could have been while trying to do the work, trying to keep our heads above water… And I am tired, deep down in my soul.
And this realization has led me to sit with the grief and the pain of being chronically ill, psychologically tortured, and often isolated before the election, and I’m doing another round of processing that, too. It feels in a way like I’m falling down a bottomless well of pain and grief. Or maybe I never stopped falling down that fucking well.
I’m not sure. Either way, it seems to help me breathe a little easier to put words to it however I can. I want to cry. I feel like I need to cry. But I haven’t been able to yet. So I’m just gonna keep working through things in my mind until I’m able to open the floodgates, I suppose. Everything fucking physically hurts in the meantime.
I’m not going to give up the fight, though. I don’t see the situation here as hopeless. There’s a lot of good happening amidst the bad, and I’m not suicidal or anything. I’m just badly in need of rest and time to sit with this further, so that’s what I’m gonna do.
Signing off for now,
-Allēna
But at least I’m pretty sure that what I’m feeling is complex grief about, well, everything, and burnout as a result.
Checkmate, alexithymia.
I’m gonna try my best to take it slow today. I just feel like I have very little to give to anyone and have felt that way for awhile.
-Allēna
