I have a lot of feelings about this update and I could probably gush about this for ages but for now, I’m going to leave it at that.
-Allēna
Tag: polyamory
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Emerson is home!
And I appear to be in front. Allēna is exhausted, and so am I, for very different reasons. I also saw Cadmium today for the first time in a long time. Goodnight, all.
-Ashley
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Apologies for not writing yesterday,
I appear to have crashed for about 14 hours last night. My body desperately needed it, I have been exhausted and running on fumes of late and haven’t really been okay. But today was much better. I got to spend time with Emerson and my other local partner, whom I shall call Cadmium, today. She brought me a care package that included my favorite chocolate, Dubai chocolate, and two different kinds of eyeliner, as well as body spray! We cuddled and laughed a lot. It was wonderful. I’ve missed her a lot.
-Allēna
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I had a great date today.
It turns out that the set of keys Emerson made for me didn’t work and he was at school, so my partner and I just chilled out inside and ordered in. She made me laugh so hard at one point that I had a coughing fit and saw stars 🤣
It was a wonderful time and I hope I can see her soon 💛
-Allēna
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I think I’m starting to figure out why I’m so reserved/”cold” emotionally.
When I was a teenager, like 13-15, I was a HOPELESS romantic. I would write fully fledged, and ultimately fully produced and orchestrated songs for my crushes and create massive works of art across a variety of mediums that took months, sometimes years, to complete, at an age when most boys couldn’t be arsed to get a girl flowers unless their mothers or sisters prompted them, ESPECIALLY if that girl scared them shitless.
And I was intense about this art. If someone inspired a piece, they’d probably end up knowing. I was intense about EVERYTHING. I was often the teachers’ favorite, I knew the answers to most questions, I HAD done the homework, I had an excellent memory, and I wasn’t afraid to kick anyone’s ass if and when it came time for trivia in almost any subject. I was a pompous dick about it, too 🤣 I was gonna win by a mile and I knew it. I wasn’t the type of person in high school that guys wanted to date. Be friends with, if they were daring, but not date.
The transition from hopeless romantic to cynic came at about age 16-17 after endless rejections and being told to tone myself down over and over. I began to hate my happy, romantic side. After one final diplomatic rejection from the guy I had written “My Island” about and being told to tone myself down one final time, I marched into my long term hairstylist’s office as soon as she was free and told her to cut all my damn hair off and give me the pixie cut I’d desperately wanted since my headmate Castor had cut our hair short like that when he was 10. I buried the rest of my sentimentality with that haircut, too, and started playing my cards close to my chest.
I still wrote huge things for my crushes, but that, too, stopped after I wrote my album The Places We Come Home To in 2018 for my first husband when I was 20.
I hated it so viscerally that it took two years to release a proper follow-up to it, Light on the Final Day, and I had written that record a few months BEFORE most of Places ever occurred to me.
It would take nearly three years after that for us to release any kind of proper follow-up to Light on the Final Day, something broke in me so badly. And it wasn’t even really me that wrote any of it, Metacognition (2023) is Eight’s masterpiece.
And for someone used to writing and recording several records a YEAR, this devastated me.
It’s taken being in several lovely partnerships to get me to uncover a FRACTION of that sentimentality. I still really can’t write happy things without cringing or feeling sick, but I’m getting there. I’m immensely grateful for their patience while I unfuck myself.
-Allēna -
The podcast had to reschedule 😭
However, Laz came out and kinda went ham this evening to make up for it. Emerson was speaking at a panel to educate kids about queerness and sexuality, and the fourth speaker couldn’t make it at the last second. So Charisma McGee stepped in in the other person’s stead and taught a bunch of kids about…. polyamory in a very blunt and honest fashion.
This was apparently not frowned upon, and was, in fact, encouraged.
The absolute motherfucker also found an electric piano in the basement and apparently he can play. Really, really well.
He ended up recording an arrangement he’d cooked up on the fly of a song Allēna had written a couple of days ago, as well as a cover of David Bowie’s “Heroes” and something Allēna wrote so long ago we can’t even remember the name of it anymore. All we know is that she was approximately 13 when she wrote it.
He surprised the hell out of everyone, including himself.
On that note, I’m going to sleep here shortly.
Goodnight.
-Ashley
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On people crawling out of the woodwork…
Eight’s ex, Juneau, resurfaced a few days ago. They broke up a whole bunch of times, most recently in early 2023 after a series of events beginning with what we now call Kiragate and ending with his polycule splitting in half over him dumping his ex, Leigh, and refusing to pick a side in the months-long conflict between his then-partner Sol and best friend at the time, whom we will call Birch. Juneau took the contingent who had bonded with Leigh and Sol in the divorce, as it were. You can read more about that situation here. We call all of this the Great Schism of 2022-23.
He’s popped up a few times since then, but given Eight’s history with him and the fact that they would break up, get back together, and break up again over the years over a variety of things, he ended up blocked on most everything. He reached out via a comment on our old LiveJournal blog that I had honestly half forgotten about since I mostly post here these days.
He didn’t know whether I was alive or not and he wasn’t sure if I was going to even respond. I responded because the fact that he’s popped back up after all this time made me laugh. He also added me on Snapchat. I despise that app, so I ended up giving him my number.
I asked Hawthorne if he’d also reached out to them, and weirdly enough, he had.
I’m wondering what the fuck he wants…
-Allēna
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I wrote this today.
It’s called “the denouement”. It’s about Zelda.
13 years
13 years
I peered through the bars of
your wintry love into the flame
and I saw the future
laying on the kitchen floor in 2022 -
13 years
13 years and decreasing -
I declared to you
that you'd see the end of it all
but not much more
11 years
10
you fancy yourself inimitable
invincible
sophomoric survivor
but you drink your rage and heartbreak
9 years
9 years
I know the signs of alcohol poisoning from
watching my first husband
watching my father
8 years –
you terrified me the first time
scarcely a week in
7 years
and you cheated the first time when
we’d barely been together for two months
I thought I could finally rest
fucking fool was I
6 years
6 years left
I watch you try to outrun your demons
again
again
again
but they've always been faster
or perhaps you've always loved them more
than you could ever love me
5 years
4 years
and I watch the tests roll in
I know how it goes
first the heart
then the kidneys
then the liver
then the rest
then the cash out, the flare out
alone
when you are spent
who will be there to catch you
except the bottom of the bottle?-Allēna
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Hi everyone. This is Lazarus. I haven’t posted here in a hot minute.
I’ve missed y’all. Not much has happened today, but honestly, that’s probably a good thing. Zelda vague posted some dumb shit on Facebook about “being stupid” and “following their heart rather than their head” and Lēna and Emerson commented on the post calling them out for cheating and then posted the entire salvo in a separate post 🤣 Zelda blocked both of them as well as everyone else who flocked to their post to give them a piece of their mind. I think it’s safe to say that they are NOT having a good day. Honestly, after the shit they pulled, good.
Emerson went to the Sunday writer’s workshop, and I felt out of place, but I wanted to see what it was all about. It was fun, semi disorientation aside.
Then we came home and began a rewatch of Bridgerton for the hell of it. I’m still watching, but Emerson is napping. I’m not certain what else will happen tonight, but I’m sure it’ll be juicy. Ehehe.
-Lazarus