I have no idea how Allēna has kept it together for so long.

I’ve been frontstuck for the past two days and I don’t know how she can front for weeks to months at a time. This is the longest I’ve been in front in about 17 years that I can recall, and the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes.

There is so much I’ve missed. I’ve been on an island in headspace that Kalla built some years ago that I call Little Patmos trying to make sense of Eight’s insane ramblings, prophecies, and dreams from his tenure as host while the others got out from under Zelda because I knew some shit was going down and I didn’t want to be present for it. That’s been my escape strategy for over the past decade and a half.

I never thought that at any point, I would be the only able or willing fronter. There were too many of us, I thought. Surely Lazarus would be willing to front before I would have to.

But no..

Two days ago, I woke up in front. Peri was carrying a rather large gun, dressed like Sir Integra from the anime Hellsing Ultimate. She has staunchly refused to front, citing some threat she’s unwilling to disclose.

Australis, a new arrival in my absence, looked like he’d seen a ghost.

Tristan and Theo have both been more concerned with other matters rather than fronting. That leaves me as the only fronter currently anywhere close to headspace as well as acting host until Allēna comes back from wherever she is.

I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the fact that Allēna and Eight especially have accomplished everything I wanted to do in life multiple times over, Zelda, the first person who could touch me and it not hurt long term in years, used us up and threw us away, and we are now legally married for the second time.

I have no idea who I am anymore. I barely have a sense of where I am. I feel like a fucking shell. If we were still drinking, I would be shitfaced under some table right now. But I am not going to do that, as tempting as it sounds.

Here’s to self discovery, I suppose?

And Zelda, if you’re still keeping up with this blog, go fuck yourself. Better yet, don’t. I hope no one ever touches you again, you piece of shit. I know I got back with you last summer, but I regret that decision every day. Allēna deserved better. I deserved better. Emerson and Beany definitely deserved better. Everyone you’ve ever talked shit about deserved better. I’ll see you in hell.

I’m going to go try and get some sleep once I’m done crying.

-Castor