On the concept of doing it scared.

I found this post on Zelda‘s timeline and I have some thoughts about it:

Mother fucker. I experience all of these on a daily basis or HAVE experienced all of these on a daily basis at some point in time. Especially the “fear of being seen”, as that is my agoraphobia in a nutshell. If I haven’t mentally steeled myself for a social situation hours to days in advance, it feels like being set on fire to be looked at. It’s THAT scary to me.

I have to R E P E A T E D L Y face my terror and trauma to socialize and be amongst the world and do the poetry performances that I love. I’ve become the master of charging in and showing up to shit glass cannon style balls to the wall, when in reality, I do EVERYTHING scared. I do EVERYTHING some measure of tired. I may look fearless, but I’m really, really not.

Which is heartbreaking because I legitimately love people and I love my city. I just don’t feel safe in the vast majority of situations for a very long time.

My spouses have learned that I can be coaxed out of the house with decaf coffee bribes or cinnamon treats and the like, so that’s an improvement…

-Allēna